Haruhi In Sweat Pants
by Rai Shu
Summary: A Haruhi anthology, in several different worlds, filled with all the boring rhetoric I know you enjoy
1. The Little Sister Gambit

Haruhi In Sweat Pants

* * *

The Little Sister Gambit

Yuki's Pockets

Two-Timing Bastard

Gemini Dream

Urges II

Sweat Pants

* * *

by Haruhi Suzumiya and the SOS Brigade

Important note: This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual people or places in this story is purely coincidental.

Author's notes: Please be aware that there was no actual author. Any resemblance of this story to existing stories is purely coincidental.

* * *

The Little Sister Gambit:

- Scene 1:

Kyon is starting on lunch in class when he notices several of the girls in class getting his attention.

Kyon: Huh?

He looks at the door and makes his way through the small mob of girls to find Koizumi in the hall.

Kyon: Hey, Koizumi. You ask for me?

Koizumi: Yeah, if we could have a moment alone?

They venture into the hallway and are left alone a few moments later.

Kyon: That's quite a following you have.

Koizumi: Isn't it, though? Really, it's such a bother.

Kyon: So, what did you want to talk about?

Koizumi: You mind if I ask a personal question?

Kyon: I don't mind if you ask, just don't expect an answer.

Koizumi: (softly laughing) You're a funny guy, Kyon. But seriously, I'd like to know. What would be the best way to convince you do to me a big favor? Do you prefer bribery, flattery, or maybe a combination of the two?

Kyon: Flattery works pretty well on me, but I'd also like to know what prompted this favor you want.

Koizumi: Well, Kyon my old pal. Have I told you how smart you are, lately? Honestly, who else but you would have given me such a respectable and considerate answer as that?

Kyon: All right. That's a pretty good start. Go on.

Koizumi: I haven't ever told you how much I envy you, have I?

Kyon: You envy me?

Koizumi: Oh sure. I mean, you look at me and you think, "Here's a guy who could probably get away with murder if he wanted." Right?

Kyon: I don't know if I'd think that.

Koizumi: A lot of people resent my looks, though. And just for that very reason. They think there's no way I could ever get in trouble, and that's precisely why I have to be so careful. Because those very people are always watching. They're hoping I'll slip up and cause trouble.

Kyon: Yeah, I can see how that might be a problem.

Koizumi: I knew you'd sympathize, Kyon. Like I said, you're a really smart guy.

Kyon: Is this going anywhere?

Koizumi: The point is that I do envy you. You have that perfect combination of boyish charm and boyish awkwardness that lets you get by on pure personality. You're not threatening in attractiveness, nor are you even slightly absurd in your plainness. I know I've called you bland and uninteresting, but that's exactly why you have my envy.

Kyon: Is that supposed to be flattery?

Koizumi: Of course! Just think, Kyon. You could ask out any girl in this school and there's a pretty good chance they would accept if they knew you.

Kyon: Yeah, I find that last part is the tricky one.

Koizumi: Only tricky if you aren't bold enough to try.

Kyon: I'm not bold at all, though. I'm a coward.

Koizumi: (amused) The fact that you can admit that tells me that you could be bold if you wanted to.

Kyon: I don't really want to. Too much like work.

Koizumi: (a little exhausted) What I'm trying to say here is that the potential exists. And, if you did find yourself causing trouble like that, it would be easy to forgive you. Even Miss Suzumiya might look the other way on your indiscretions.

Kyon: Okay.

Koizumi: I, on the other hand, have no choice but to be a coward. If my boldness led me to making confessions to any one girl, I think I'd make enemies out of at least half the rest of the school.

Kyon: That sounds like a cop out to me.

Koizumi: But it's true. You seriously think I could date anyone and not risk my position?

Kyon: Hmm... Probably not.

Koizumi: Exactly. You have a rare gift.

Kyon: I thought you said I was just an ordinary, average guy.

Koizumi: Yes. In fact, you're so ordinary and average that you're practically unique in that respect.

Kyon: All right. Enough with the ass-kissing. What's this about?

Koizumi: As I'm sure you're aware, Miss Suzumiya has been campaigning for another movie. I recently acquired her rough outline, and I find myself unable to submit to its demands.

Kyon: You're the lead again?

Koizumi: It's worse than that. It's a romantic tragedy, with Miss Asahina as my counterpart.

Kyon: That does sound bad. So, what's the favor you want?

Koizumi: Well, just think about it. You really want me and Miss Asahina to do dozens of scenes together in a romance? You want to see her tragically swooning over me and possibly actually falling in love with me? I'm sure you know how things tend to become real when Miss Suzumiya imagines them for the purpose of her movies.

Kyon: Yeah, we need to stop this movie.

Koizumi: Exactly! Someone needs to go to Miss Suzumiya and tell her no. It has to be stopped.

Kyon: Haven't you already tried?

Koizumi: How do you think I got the rough outline in the first place? I've tried everything I can think of. I think she may be ignoring my complaints, at this point.

Kyon: She does get pig-headed at times.

Koizumi: Just go to her and ask her. That's all I ask. But think of how horrible the movie will be. Think of how painful it will be to shoot such a movie. Think of poor Miss Asahina.

Kyon: All right. I'll do it. You make a very convincing argument.

Koizumi: I knew I could count on you. You're a smart guy.

Kyon: (sighing) What am I doing?

Koizumi: You can do it!

Koizumi leaves, as Kyon enters the classroom. He goes and finds Haruhi sitting at his desk.

Haruhi: Hey, Kyon. I didn't think you'd be back, so I ate your lunch.

Kyon: Great. Now I'm going to be starving all day.

- Scene 2:

Kyon enters the clubroom, finding the others there.

Haruhi: Where have you been?

Kyon: Begging for food.

Haruhi: Well, since you decided to be tardy, I've decided to go ahead and acquaint the rest of the brigade with my new, spectacular movie outline.

Haruhi gestures to a piece of paper with some scribbling on it. Kyon goes and sits next to Koizumi.

Kyon: That's an outline? Looks more like some random notes.

Haruhi: That's the genius of it, Kyon! When great ideas come to me during production, we'll still have plenty of room to make improvements.

Koizumi gestures to Kyon meaningfully, and Kyon gives him a reassurring gesture.

Kyon: What inspired this story? Another stupid late-night movie?

Haruhi: No. I'll have you know that this was inspired by a best-selling novel!

Kyon: Even worse.

Haruhi: If this kind of thing sells a novel in the millions, how can it go wrong? We can't lose!

Kyon: Okay, since it's so good, why don't you play the lead role?

Koizumi looks a little shocked at that suggestion.

Haruhi: How can I play the lead when I'm needed to direct? What'll happen to the story? Jeez, Kyon!

Kyon: Why not? Lots of great directors also act the lead roles in their movies. Are you saying they're better than you?

Haruhi: No, it's just-

Kyon: Or are you afraid of making another bomb?

Haruhi: Another?

Kyon: That's right.

Haruhi: You want to try again?

Kyon: Okay. What I'm trying to say is that your movie stinks. I can't believe you actually showed it to people. What's wrong with you? Did you really not see you just embarrassed yourself?

Haruhi silently fumes for a few moments, then goes and sits.

Haruhi: Fine. Since that's your attitude, you can make the movie.

Kyon: You want me to be in charge?

Haruhi: Well, you apparently know something that I don't. If you're so qualified that you can call me out like that, then you must know a lot more than I do.

Kyon: Okay, so why bother making a movie at all?

Haruhi: That isn't a choice. You either make a better movie than me or I'll kill you.

Kyon: (looking around) Is that okay with everyone else?

Koizumi: Fine with me.

Mikuru: I think it's a great idea.

Haruhi: Traitors.

Kyon: Miss Nagato, do you have any objections to me doing a movie with you?

Yuki: No.

Kyon: Well, then...

Kyon gets up and stands next to Haruhi.

Kyon: (softly) I'm sorry I called you out like that.

Haruhi: Don't expect me to forgive you.

Kyon: What I'm trying to say is that I can't really do a movie without you.

Haruhi: Oh yeah?

Kyon: I want you to be the lead role. I insist.

Haruhi: Well...

Kyon: You have a lot of talent for performance. Don't short-change yourself.

Haruhi: Okay. Since you asked so nicely, I'll do it. But you better do a good job.

Kyon: Okay. First thing: I'm not going to be the director.

Haruhi: What?

Kyon: I'm going to delegate that task.

Haruhi: Don't think I'll go easy on you just because you chicken out of directing.

Kyon: I'm not being a chicken. I'm just saying, running a camera and editing is plenty of work already. No, I have someone much better than myself in mind for the job of director.

Haruhi: Who is it?

Kyon: You'll find out on Sunday. Let's all meet up at my place, then.

- Scene 3:

Sunday morning. Kyon and his little sister are sitting in the living room, as the others enter.

Koizumi: So, when are we going to meet this mysterious director?

Kyon: She's right here.

Koizumi: Where?

Mikuru: You mean your little sister?

Kyon: That's right.

Sister: Hey, everybody!

Koizumi: Why, hello.

Mikuru: Hello.

Haruhi stands around, pouting.

Sister: (pointing at Haruhi) So, she's the lead?

Kyon: Right.

Sister: That's perfect. She'll make a great tomboyish tsundere character! The audience will love her.

Kyon: (sighing) Isn't she creative?

Haruhi: Great. Kyon, could I have a word with you?

Sister: Is something wrong? I could make you a flighty crybaby, but that seems like a bit of a stretch. I mean, I don't really know you well enough to tell whether you could pull it off.

Haruhi drags Kyon aside.

Haruhi: (softly) Is this your way of getting back at me? You're trying to make me look stupid, right?

Kyon: (softly) What? No. Trust me, Sister is great at this kind of thing.

Sister: (looking at Koizumi) You're obviously the other lead.

Koizumi: I guess so. Not too big a part, I hope.

Sister: Oh, don't worry about it! You'll love being the lead.

Mikuru: So, do you really know what you're doing? I mean, we're doing a movie.

Sister: Yeah, that's right. Kyon told me all about it.

Kyon: It'll be just like playing pretend. Don't worry about any of the boring technical details. Koizumi and I will deal with that. Any time you want us to take a break, you let us know.

Sister: We're going to have fun! I promise!

Koizumi: Well, all right. I can't wait.

Sister: (to Haruhi) I'm sorry I started in on you like that. You want to give the lead to someone else?

Haruhi: No, it's okay.

Sister: What kind of part do you want to play?

Haruhi: Me?

Sister: Yeah. What do you think would be fun?

Haruhi: Well... I kind of see myself as a pirate captain or maybe a smooth criminal-

Sister: Okay, you're definitely the tomboyish tsundere. Only, you won't get to do much "dere". That would spoil the fun.

The others laugh while Haruhi scowls and Sister looks around, puzzling.

Sister: Isn't there one more?

Kyon: Huh? Oh, you mean Miss Nagato.

Yuki appears out from behind Mikuru.

Kyon: Sorry, I guess she doesn't have a lot of presence.

Sister: Hmm... I guess she can be the quiet friend with a mysterious past. You think she can keep a straight face while we pull off some visual gags?

Kyon: Maybe. I think I can persuade her.

Mikuru: What should I do?

Sister: (thinking for a moment) Oh, you can be the mother. You'll just be super nice to everybody no matter what happens. That can be a running gag.

Mikuru: I think that would be fun.

Haruhi: So, do you have any ideas? Where are we going with this?

Sister: No, I just thought I'd ask everybody. I do want it to be a fun story, so we'll just do a parody.

Kyon: I suggest we parody this.

Kyon hands Sister the outline that Haruhi made.

Sister: Oh! This will be perfect! We're going to have lots of fun with this!

- Scene 4:

At the park. Yuki is reading while Mikuru sits with a platter of tea cups ready. Haruhi sulks nearby while Kyon and Koizumi are chatting next to the camera. Sister is running around, playing a kind of fight scene of her own.

Koizumi: These fight scenes can be pretty intricate.

Kyon: So, you want to do a lot of close-ups?

Koizumi: Well, I'd like to do a lot of reaction shots. You can always intercut them with pose shots, and I think that would work for suggesting the action. I'm thinking, the more absurd, the better. You know, jump straight from stock still into crazy action. Lots of wild fast-motion and throws.

Kyon: So, we need to do a lot of medium shots?

Koizumi: Well... Try to move the camera in as much as you can. I don't like to overuse the wide angle, but too much jitter can really ruin a good fight scene.

Haruhi: Are we doing this scene or what?

Koizumi: Sorry, we were just hashing out the details. (to Kyon) Actually, just take the camera off the tripod and go full wide angle. It's kind of cliche, but you can understand why people use it a lot when you think about it this way.

Kyon: Less messing around with focus.

Koizumi: Right. Just make sure you have your white balance and f-stop set right. I don't want to have to redo another washed out scene.

Sister runs up to them.

Sister: Are you ready to start the big fight scene?

Kyon: Yeah, I think we're about good to go.

Sister: (to Koizumi) So, how are you going to play this? When you get all tangled up, you need to be kind of writhing and in pain but also apologizing and saying cute things like, "I don't usually grope on the first date."

Koizumi: You think I could squeeze in a few more crude jokes?

Sister: Well, okay. But not too crude. I don't want to hear some pervy fart jokes.

Koizumi: Perish the thought.

Sister: Where's my other lead?

Haruhi promptly appears, still sulking a little.

Haruhi: What is it?

Sister: You remember what we talked about? You get your hand caught and you go down. The important thing is that your face ends up between his knees.

Haruhi: (scowling) I wouldn't really trip like that, would I? That just seems so out-of-character.

Sister: Character isn't important here. Well, it's not as important as getting the gag. If you don't trip, then how do you fall and end up like that?

Haruhi: This is so embarrassing.

Sister: Can you do a fall like that? I don't want you to get hurt.

Haruhi: I can fall like that in my sleep. I was a member of the judo club for a while.

Sister: All right. So, you're set to go. Everybody ready?

Kyon: I think so.

Sister: Miss Asahina, are you ready with the tea?

Mikuru: I'm fine.

Sister: (to Kyon) I really have to say, that Yuki is a great actor.

Kyon: Really?

Sister: Yeah. I haven't seen her blow a line yet.

Kyon: Too bad our heroine isn't as dependable.

- Scene 5:

The clubroom. Yuki reads, as Koizumi and Haruhi are playing a card game. Mikuru enters with some tea.

Koizumi: Okay. So, it's settled. The winner of this game gets to reveal their deep, dark secret.

Haruhi: And the loser has to pretend to care while weeping dramatically. Got it.

Koizumi: It's on.

Haruhi: I'm taking you down, punk.

Koizumi: No way.

Haruhi: What kind of deep, dark secret would a man have, anyway? I'll bet you're just some pathetic loser with a mommy complex.

Koizumi: That's funny, coming from you. I'll bet you're just some runaway who got lost trying to find her way back home.

Mikuru: Now, now. Let's not fight, guys.

Mikuru places some tea near them.

Haruhi: Why is your mother serving us tea, even here?

Koizumi: It's kind of her thing.

Haruhi: Anyway, deal the cards already!

Koizumi: All right. Here we go!

- Scene 6:

The screening room. Kyon, his little sister, Mikuru, Koizumi, and Yuki are watching the card game scene.

Koizumi: Ouch. I did that line way better in rehearsal.

Mikuru: It's still pretty funny.

Kyon: You did do a lot of rehearsals. There was bound to be a few lines you overplayed.

Koizumi: This is some inspired editing, Kyon.

Kyon: It helps when the work gets done so quickly.

Sister: You can thank me for that.

Koizumi: Thanks a lot. (to Kyon) You ever find out where Haruhi went?

Kyon: No, I think she's probably working on her music.

Koizumi: Oh, right. I wasn't sure you could pull it off, but this is really good.

Kyon and his sister: Thanks.

They look at each other and laugh.


	2. Yuki's Pockets

Yuki's Pockets:

- Scene 1:

Kyon's bedroom in the middle of the night. Yuki is standing near the bed, and Kyon jolts awake, gasping.

Kyon: What? Oh...

He sees Yuki.

Kyon: Wow. That was a weird dream. Hey, Miss Nagato. What are you doing here?

A bright light streams through the window. Yuki holds her hand up in an apparent greeting.

Yuki: Sleep.

Kyon immediately falls asleep.

- Scene 2:

The scene is entirely black, but slowly fades into a blurry outline of the clubroom.

Yuki: (from nowhere) There will be a slight delay in your speech processing while this transition occurs. Do not be alarmed.

The clubroom suddenly appears in sharp outline.

Haruhi: Wake up!

Kyon lifts his head up from the table, and blinks several times.

Kyon: Whoa, that was weird.

Haruhi: You fell asleep right at the good part! Now, I'm going to have to go over it again! God, Kyon. Sometimes you really irritate the hell out of me.

Kyon looks around and notices Mikuru, Koizumi and Yuki, all in their usual places.

Mikuru: What's the plan again?

Koizumi: Something about luring aliens?

Haruhi: That's right. We need to be crafty. We can't just expect aliens to suddenly appear just because we summon them. We need someone to be the bait.

Koizumi: Right.

Haruhi: I was going over in detail the known cases of abductions and leading into this, but I can see I'm going to have to get straight to the point.

Kyon looks at Yuki and feels a tension in the air from her. He feels as though he can't breathe when he looks at her.

Haruhi: In short, we need someone really simple and generic. That always seems to be the kind of person they go for. Someone nobody would ever believe if they told you they had been abducted. I think we all know who I'm talking about.

Yuki: (as if from the air) I have returned your memories of the key event. You may awaken, now.

Haruhi: Don't give me any of your crap, Kyon! Just do what I say, and-

- Scene 3:

Early morning at a coffee shop. Kyon lifts his head off the table and notices Koizumi and Yuki sitting nearby.

Koizumi: Oh, good morning.

Kyon: What happened? I feel like I blacked out for a moment.

Koizumi: We were just discussing who was stronger.

Kyon: Stronger?

Koizumi: Right. I feel that if they wanted to fight it out, Miss Suzumiya would have the distinct advantage.

Kyon: Fight with who?

Koizumi: With Miss Nagato, of course.

Kyon: Well, I guess that's no contest if Haruhi can just dream you away.

Koizumi: Exactly. I have a feeling Miss Nagato feels differently.

Yuki: If confronted, I would not prevail. However...

Koizumi: You see what I mean?

Kyon: What's to fight about? We're all friends, right?

Koizumi: Well, this is strictly hypothetical.

Kyon: Oh.

Koizumi: I'm just trying to drag information out of her again.

Yuki: Your methods need refinement.

Kyon: I'd rather talk about who we like.

Koizumi: I know who you like.

Kyon: Well, I am an open book.

Koizumi: You need to just forget about Miss Asahina already. She's way out of your league.

Kyon: Yeah. This is why I like this subject. Everybody already knows about me. I have no idea about you.

Koizumi: (sighing) I'm not really comfortable talking about that kind of thing.

Kyon: There must be something you can tell me. Hints, maybe? Come on.

Koizumi: Well, she's someone I've known since I transferred.

Kyon: That narrows it down to what? Ten, maybe twenty girls?

Koizumi: Someone who I find attractive and probably feels the same way about me.

Kyon: Okay, down to about four or five.

Koizumi: Am I really that popular?

Kyon: One girl in my class described you as the hottest guy in school.

Koizumi: Jeez.

Kyon: She then launched into a tirade against Haruhi, stressing how much she hates the fact that Haruhi seems to be monopolizing you.

Koizumi: Miss Suzumiya definitely monopolizes me a lot. I can see how that would be a problem for the other girls.

Kyon: Yeah.

Koizumi: Is there anyone you like, Miss Nagato?

Yuki: No.

Koizumi: Oh, come on. That hardly seems fair.

Yuki: Get used to it.

Koizumi: Ouch. You hear that, Kyon?

Kyon: Yeah, you definitely got told.

Koizumi: I think she really doesn't like me.

Kyon: Probably. I wonder why that is.

Yuki: I would not show affection to a stranger.

Koizumi: A stranger? Come on.

Kyon: Yeah, Koizumi may be weird, but I don't think he's really a stranger.

Yuki: I agree, but this person is not Koizumi.

Kyon: He's not?

For a moment, Kyon is blinded by a bright light.

- Scene 4:

Kyon lifts his head off his desk, finding himself in class. The bell rings, and Haruhi confronts him.

Haruhi: I think you've got this down.

Kyon: Was I just asleep?

Haruhi: You slept through the whole class, then woke up right before the bell. That takes some talent.

Kyon: I was just discussing something with Koizumi, but then...

Haruhi: Probably just chatting about who likes who.

Kyon: Yeah.

Haruhi: Jeez. You guys are all the same. If you aren't flirting or fighting, you're talking about it.

Kyon: Well, that's what normal, healthy people do.

Haruhi: So, what did you talk about?

Kyon: I tried to drag out of Koizumi who he likes. He does like somebody, but he isn't saying who.

Haruhi: That's not surprising. The guy is popular.

Kyon: He likes one of the attractive girls.

Haruhi: Attractive, huh?

Kyon: Of course, this girl he likes probably hates you.

Haruhi: Really? What for?

Kyon: Because they're jealous. I mean, you practically dragged him into the SOS Brigade, the same as me.

Haruhi: The SOS Brigade isn't a social club. We're doing serious work, there.

Kyon: Yeah?

Haruhi: (scowling) Like today. We're...

Kyon: Doing what?

Haruhi: I haven't decided yet. Something to do with aliens.

Kyon: (amused) You always say that when you really have nothing.

Haruhi: I do actually have a plan!

Kyon: Yeah, right.

Haruhi: It'll work this time. You watch.

Kyon: Well, then. I'm looking forward to it.

Haruhi: You better be.

Kyon: Something really weird is going on.

Haruhi: What? Really?

Kyon: Yeah. I'm having the weirdest dream, or maybe I just woke up from it...

Haruhi: That's nothing to get excited about.

Kyon: The thing is, I was sleeping in my bed. Then, suddenly I found myself in the clubroom. Then I found myself at a coffee shop, and then I found myself here. I could swear it was all real, but...

Haruhi: I get dreams like that all the time.

Kyon: I don't usually remember my dreams this well. It's like I'm leaping around in time and space.

Haruhi: (chuckling) Maybe there's something you need to do to get home.

Kyon: Huh?

- Scene 5:

Kyon is sitting in front of the TV at home, and he snaps awake. He looks around and notices that it's early evening.

Kyon: Must have been watching some weird program.

Kyon gets up and goes outside. He stands at the sidewalk, looking up at the sky.

Kyon: Hmm... Is this just a dream?

Yuki: (from nowhere) You slipped out of phase. I will correct that in a moment.

Kyon: Wow. (laughing) I guess that's a yes.

Yuki: (from the sky, apparently) You were also placed in a trance. I will reverse that condition once I discover the cause.

Kyon: Is this sort of thing going to happen every night?

Yuki: (again, as before) It's extremely difficult to predict incidents that involve you. However, it is highly likely that you will encounter danger as long as you are providing input into Miss Suzumiya's data stream.

A black car pulls up, and Koizumi steps out.

Kyon: Look who just showed up.

Koizumi: You need to come with me.

Kyon: What for?

Koizumi: It involves a closed space. There isn't enough time to explain. Get in the car.

Kyon: No, I don't think so.

Koizumi grabs for Kyon and Kyon runs away.

- Scene 6:

Kyon trips and falls into a small field of grass. It is the middle of the night, apparently. Off in the distance, he can see city lights, hills and roads. Nearby is Yuki, apparently meditating. Kyon slowly sits up.

Yuki: Do not be alarmed.

Kyon: Where the heck am I?

Yuki: You were abducted from your room at approximately three-fourteen in the morning, Japan standard time. You are currently in transit near the Sun-Mars Lagrangian-four point.

Kyon: Why?

Yuki: That is currently unknown. However, there is a ninety-five percent chance that it is related to the activity described in the recently restored memory.

Kyon: You erased my memories?

Yuki: Of the meeting, yes. It was for your own protection.

Kyon: My protection?

Yuki: I have protected you from many dangers. Over the past six months, I have prevented your death sixty-two times-

Kyon: Thank you. I mean, what are you protecting me from?

Yuki: That is also currently unknown. However, there are strong indications that it is a humanoid race.

Kyon: Humanoid? So, where are these humanoids from?

Yuki: That is also unknown. They most likely originated from the planet Earth.

Kyon: Why did you need to erase my memory? Can these guys read my mind?

Yuki: No. They might have been able to manipulate your memory in a way that would have put you in danger.

Kyon: Wait, you can just erase or restore my memory at will?

Yuki: Yes.

Kyon: That's kind of scary.

Yuki: I assure you that I would not do that without good reason.

Kyon: Really?

Yuki: I obtained my duties after proving my superior aptitude and mental dexterity.

Kyon: So?

Yuki: You may rest assured that I take seriously the rules regarding data manipulation. Additionally, I have never deviated from your will in this matter.

Kyon: Okay. I trust you. So, what now?

Yuki: This situation requires that we wait for me to acquire a strong enough signal to summon my peers.

Kyon: Can't we just talk with these whatevers that have abducted us?

Yuki: They are not yet aware of our position. It is unknown what dangers may be encountered with attempted connections, however it is highly likely to be unfavorable.

Kyon: You have a hunch?

Yuki: Analysis of the data from our encounters with them indicates a high probability that they are an immature faction who do little but toy with less technologically advanced races. Their crude chemical devices also pose an extreme hazard to your mental health.

Kyon: Well, so much for that idea.

Yuki: We will wait.

Kyon: (looking around) Nice place, here.

Yuki: This is an alternate utility space.

Kyon: Utility? Are you really just pulling words out of a dictionary at random?

Yuki: (slightly frowning) Utility as in useful. As in, this space provides capacity for objects that I do not wish to carry.

Kyon: Oh, so we're in your pockets.

Yuki: You may describe it that way.

Kyon: It looks nice.

Yuki: I recalled how you had reacted to the alternate space where the computer club president had been taken.

Kyon: You decorated it?

Yuki: The edges of this space are a simple rendition of sky and scenery.

Kyon: You mind if I get some sleep?

Yuki: No.

Kyon falls asleep, sitting.

- Scene 7:

Kyon is walking through a park in the early evening with Mikuru.

Mikuru: What is it?

Kyon: Huh?

Mikuru: You were day-dreaming again.

Kyon: Oh, yeah. I guess I was.

Mikuru: What were you day-dreaming about?

Kyon: I know this is going to sound weird, but I'd really like to get something nice for Miss Nagato.

Mikuru: You want to buy her a present?

Kyon: Yeah. Nothing too fancy, but I don't want it to be cheap. She's done a lot for me. I mean, just over the past six months, she's saved my life sixty-two times.

Mikuru: Sixty-two? You were counting?

Kyon: No, I just know that, somehow. I think she told me.

Mikuru: You have a thing for her?

Kyon: No.

Mikuru: Come on. You can tell me.

Kyon: (sighing) I do kind of feel bad for her. She seems so sad and lonely most of the time.

Mikuru: Are you talking about Miss Nagato?

Kyon: Yeah. Who'd you think I meant?

Mikuru: Well, if you ask me, I think you've got the wrong impression of her.

Kyon: Huh? What do you mean?

Mikuru: I mean, Miss Nagato is a data manipulator. She's constantly coordinating projects for other people. They come to her with huge piles of data, and she translates it all for them. I'd hardly call that being lonely.

Kyon: Is that what she does? I've only ever just seen her reading books all by herself.

Mikuru: Yeah, she reads by herself for fun. I think it's a bit like stress relief. She does spend a lot of time dealing with us, and not just other data units.

Kyon: Even so, I still want to get her something nice. Although, I don't know if she can appreciate it.

Mikuru: Sure she can. Why not?

Kyon: Well, she is an android.

Mikuru: (laughing) An android?

Kyon: Yeah?

Mikuru takes some money out of her bag and hands it to Kyon.

Mikuru: Give her something really nice. Trust me. She'll love it.

- Scene 8:

Kyon is sitting at lunch in his class with Kunikida and Taniguchi. Kyon is staring out the window.

Taniguchi: Dude! Where'd you get all this money?

Kyon looks back around and snatches the small wad of bills back.

Kyon: Give that back. That's not for you.

Taniguchi: Is that for your girlfriend?

Kyon: No.

Taniguchi: I'll bet it is. So, what are you going to get her?

Kyon: Huh? What?

Taniguchi: What are you going to give Suzumiya? We know that's what this is for.

Kyon: Shows what you know.

Taniguchi: Don't be like that. Just tell us.

Kyon: Forget about it. It's just some money.

Kyon shoves it into his pocket.

Taniguchi: Well, whatever it is, I can't imagine anything that she'd be satisfied with.

Kyon: What makes you say that?

Taniguchi: I'm just saying, it's futile. Give it up, man.

Kyon: You sound like someone who has experience.

Taniguchi: You want to give it a try? Be my guest.

Kyon: Maybe I will.

Taniguchi: Fine.

Kunikida: You forget who you're talking to? This is the guy who has a daily conversation with her. I don't just mean at school, either. She's dragging him around all Sunday, as well.

Taniguchi: We'll see.

Kyon: You won't see anything. It isn't for Haruhi.

- Scene 9:

Kyon is walking down the sidewalk and notices Haruhi.

Haruhi: Hey, Kyon!

Kyon: Huh?

Haruhi: Going into town, huh?

Kyon: Oh, yeah.

Haruhi: I'm doing a little shopping, too. Why don't we go together?

Kyon: Sure, if you feel like it.

Haruhi: So, where are you going? Electronics? A book store?

Kyon: I was thinking about stopping by an art shop.

Haruhi: An art shop? What for?

Kyon: Why not? You never buy art?

Haruhi: Art is boring.

Kyon: Right. So, you don't need to go with me.

Haruhi: (scowling) Well, I'll tag along just to make sure you don't buy something stupid.

Kyon: (snide) Thanks.

Haruhi: What's the big deal? You buying it for a girl?

Kyon: I don't know. Maybe.

Haruhi: You don't know?

Kyon: I haven't decided.

Haruhi: Who did you have in mind?

Kyon: Nobody.

Haruhi: Oh, come on! You wouldn't go all this way if it weren't for a girl, would you?

Kyon: Yeah, you're right.

Haruhi: So, who is it?

Kyon: Well, if you must know, it's for Miss Nagato. Don't get too excited. I'm just returning a favor.

Haruhi: She does you favors?

Kyon: Yeah. Mostly thanks to you.

Haruhi: Come again?

Kyon: You may not notice it, but you have a real knack for getting me into dangerous situations. Miss Nagato then helps me out.

Haruhi: Like when?

Kyon: Like... When we were doing that movie. I nearly got killed several times because of you. Miss Nagato actually saved my life.

Haruhi: Is that so?

Kyon: Yeah.

Haruhi: Maybe you aren't safe even shopping with me.

Kyon: (amused) Maybe I'm not.

Haruhi: Well, that's too bad.

- Scene 10:

Kyon wakes up in the field of grass. He finds himself sleeping on his side, his head in Yuki's lap. He slowly sits up.

Kyon: Still in here?

Yuki: The signal is almost at the necessary strength. It won't be long.

Kyon: (scratching his head) Thanks for letting me use you as a pillow.

Yuki: Don't mention it.

Kyon thinks for several moments, then folds his arms.

Kyon: Am I crazy or-?

Yuki: No.

Kyon: Anything you feel like telling me?

Yuki: I should inform you that some of what you dreamed just now was influenced by me.

Kyon: So, what Miss Asahina said-

Yuki: It was correct.

Kyon: I'm a little surprised I remembered that. I don't normally remember my dreams.

Yuki: You will forget.

Kyon: You're going to erase my memories?

Yuki: No. (smirking) It is simply in your nature.

Kyon: I won't forget that you aren't such a sad and lonely girl.

Yuki: Is that what you think?

Kyon: Are you, really?

Yuki: Yes.

Kyon: So, it's sad to be so busy? Are you always doing tedious things?

Yuki: Always.

Kyon: Why is it sad?

Yuki: (smirking) Why?

Kyon: What's with the smirk?

Yuki: I found what you said to be amusing.

Kyon: ...

Yuki: Here we go.

Kyon: What?

Yuki: Full signal strength.

- Scene 11:

Early morning. Kyon finds himself sitting at the table in Yuki's apartment. Yuki is sitting across from him, as if nothing were wrong.

Yuki: We're here.

Kyon: So I see.

Yuki: You may go.

Kyon: I don't know. It doesn't feel right just leaving like this.

Yuki: You didn't ask for my help. You do not need to feel obligated to thank me.

Kyon: (scowling) Jeez. That just makes me feel worse.

Yuki: You can't help how you feel. You're only human.

Kyon: Right. I can't help it.

Kyon stands up and starts to go.

Kyon: Tell me something. Doesn't this feel wrong to you?

Yuki: ...

Kyon: Can you feel anything at all?

Yuki: I did not comprehend this erroneous data until recently.

Kyon: That's not what I mean.

Yuki: Perhaps you could explain.

Kyon: If I did give you something, would you accept it?

Yuki: Yes.

Kyon: Okay. I'll do that, then. But it won't make up for everything. It'll just be a token.

Yuki: A token?

Kyon: Of my gratitude.

Yuki: Once again, that is not necessary.

Kyon: I insist.

- Scene 12:

In class, later that day. Kyon awakens, the bell sounds, and Haruhi confronts him.

Haruhi: I think you've got this down.

Kyon: I was asleep?

Haruhi: You slept through the whole class, then woke up right before the bell. That takes some talent.

Kyon: Whoa. Deja vu.

Haruhi: Any particular reason you were asleep? Don't tell me you actually got abducted by aliens.

Kyon: Would you believe me if I said yes?

Haruhi: Of course not.

Kyon: You don't take anything I say seriously.

Haruhi: I can't take you seriously when you say stuff like that. That's just so unlike you. You're boredom personified.

Kyon: Yeah, that's me, all right. Nothing interesting ever happens to me.


	3. TwoTiming Bastard

Two-Timing Bastard:

- Scene 1:

Kyon is sitting in the library, reading a comic book. Taniguchi appears and sits across from him at a table.

Taniguchi: Hey, man. What's up?

Kyon looks up from his book.

Kyon: Just reading. Wait, you're in a library?

Taniguchi: I'm meeting up with this girl-

Kyon: Okay. Yeah, I should have guessed.

Taniguchi: I figure she's gotta be someone nice.

Kyon: You probably don't bump into too many sociopaths in a library.

Taniguchi: I don't know about that. Hey, what is that?

Kyon: (gesturing at the book) This? It's a comic book.

Taniguchi: I know that. What's it about?

Kyon: Historical fiction.

Taniguchi: Historical? Man, I don't know about you, sometimes.

Kyon: What's wrong with it?

Taniguchi: I had this acquaintance back in middle school. Always read stuff like fantasy, sci-fi, romance, historical fiction. He was a total geek. A real basket case.

Kyon: You ever read one of these?

Taniguchi: Nah. Never got into that stuff. So, are you really going out with that Nagato girl?

Kyon: What makes you say that?

Taniguchi: I figure because she's a real bookworm. I see you in the library every now and then, and I think, "Maybe there's something to it."

Kyon: You're dreaming.

Taniguchi: She's rubbing off on you, in any case.

Kyon: That may be true.

Taniguchi: Yeah, that could be a problem.

Kyon: A problem?

Taniguchi: This girl I'm meeting up with... Don't let her catch you reading.

Kyon: What?

Taniguchi: She nagged my ear off about how annoyed she's getting with you.

Kyon: Why was she annoyed with me? Who are you talking about?

Taniguchi: Who it is isn't important. All right? The problem is, she expects you to start going out with Suzumiya. Said you should be going steady by now.

Kyon: Maybe I'm just a late-bloomer.

Taniguchi: Maybe, but you could at least show the world there's some potential. Everybody knows how Nagato is totally into books, and rumors were swirling about you and her-

Kyon: Thanks to you.

Taniguchi: I swear, they were already rumors before I knew anything.

Kyon: There's nothing to know. And I read because I like to read, not because I have a thing for Miss Nagato.

Taniguchi: Since when did you start becoming such a bookworm?

Kyon: Since about as long as I can remember.

Taniguchi: Not like I know you personally or anything, but reading really sends the wrong message. You're telling everybody out there, "Hey, shut up. I'm not really listening. I'm trying to read."

Kyon: Oh, yeah. You're right.

Kyon looks back at the comic book and resumes reading.

Taniguchi: (laughing) Oh, I get it. Sure, I'll shut up, now. But, listen. Take my advice. You'll want to start dating one or the other. I suggest you go with Miss Suzumiya. When are you ever going to get a chance to hook up with a hot chick like that again?

Kyon sighs and shakes his head as Taniguchi leaves.

Kyon: (muttering) The things I go through to get a little peace.

- Scene 2:

Kyon is sitting at his desk in class, and Haruhi confronts him.

Haruhi: What's up?

Kyon: Nothing.

Haruhi: You seemed kind of worried about something.

Kyon: Really? (thinks for a moment) Yeah, I guess I am. Life can be pretty unfair, sometimes.

Haruhi: Sounds like a problem.

Kyon: Not really. Well, not for me. It's just stress, you know.

Haruhi: Oh? Well, I know the perfect stress relief. Why don't we go do something fun? Just the two of us?

Kyon: You want to waste time with me? Is this related to the SOS Brigade?

Haruhi: No, I just thought, "Why not do something fun?" You've got a problem with that?

Kyon: No, it's just a little surprising to hear you propose it. Okay, sure. Let's do something fun.

Haruhi: Now, you're talking.

Kyon: Well, I was thinking about inviting someone else. You don't mind if we have a little company?

Haruhi: What?

Kyon: I have these movie tickets. They're for a movie on Sunday. I have a couple extra tickets, so-

Haruhi: Oh, okay. I guess that's fine.

Kyon: You don't mind?

Haruhi: That's fine. As long as we don't end up with someone creepy.

Kyon: No way.

Haruhi: I'd really prefer something more private. Something romantic.

Kyon: You're the romantic type?

Haruhi: Sure, I am. What?

Kyon: Okay. I just had the impression you weren't.

Haruhi: I love romance. What's wrong with it?

Kyon: Nothing. I just didn't have you pegged as the type.

Haruhi: Did I just blow your mind? I can be great in more ways than one.

Kyon: Yeah, I didn't realize you liked reading so much.

Haruhi: Reading? Huh?

Kyon: That's what you were talking about, right?

Haruhi: ...

Kyon: What were you talking about?

Haruhi: Yeah. I was talking about reading. I just didn't think you'd leap to that conclusion so quickly.

Kyon: Huh?

- Scene 3:

Sunday evening. Out in front of the theater, Kyon stands around as Haruhi and Yuki approach.

Kyon: Hey, Haruhi. Hey, Nagato.

Haruhi: (scowling) You invited her? Are you kidding me?

Kyon: Huh? No, I just mentioned that I had an extra ticket and she asked.

Haruhi: ...

Kyon: What? Was that wrong? You want her to leave?

Yuki: I can leave if my presence offends you.

Haruhi: No, that's okay. I just didn't realize Kyon was such a blockhead.

Kyon: What are you talking about?

Haruhi: Do I have to spell it out for you?

Kyon: You're jealous?

Haruhi: Over you? You think pretty highly of yourself.

Kyon: Sorry, just a gut reaction.

Haruhi: I didn't think Yuki was the movie-going type.

Kyon: Well, I didn't think you were the type to read romance novels.

Haruhi: I'm not! God! Where the hell did you get that idea?

Kyon: From you. You said you prefer something more private than a movie. "Something romantic," you said.

Haruhi: I didn't mean books, you idiot!

Kyon: Huh? What did you mean? Video games?

Haruhi: Unbelievable. Let's just go see the movie before something stupider happens.

Kyon: Fine. But have a little gratitude. My mother gave up these tickets for me.

Haruhi: Your mother?

Kyon: Yeah. Her boss said she could come in to work today or get fired. These tickets meant a lot to us.

Haruhi: (scowling) You couldn't bring your little sister, instead?

Kyon: I would have, but you insisted on having fun with me, remember?

Haruhi: (annoyed) All right. I'm sorry. Let's just enjoy the movie.

- Scene 4:

Kyon, Haruhi and Yuki are watching the movie. Kyon looks a little irritated, like he's just noticed a dead bug at the bottom of a half-emptied glass. Haruhi looks bored, and Yuki looks unphased as usual.

Woman: (dreamily) I think that as long as we can be together, I can't ask for anything more.

Man: (hammy) But will the world ever accept us? Can we truly ever be together? I don't know if it's possible.

Woman: (a little surprised) Is it so important what the world thinks of our love? Why can't we just love each other the way a man and a woman should?

Man: (also surprised) You mean so much to me! I could never love a spoiled woman as much as I love a mature, thoughtful woman like you!

Woman: (more surprised) I had no idea you felt that way! If only I had known sooner!

Kyon starts softly laughing and Haruhi looks at him strangely.

- Scene 5:

Kyon, Haruhi and Yuki are leaving the theater.

Haruhi: Okay, I've got to know what the joke was.

Kyon: What joke?

Haruhi: What were you laughing about during that movie?

Kyon: I was laughing because it was so horrible. I think that's the most unintentionally funny movie I've ever seen. Thank God my mother missed it.

Haruhi: You want to know something sad?

Kyon: What?

Haruhi: Koizumi saw this movie last week. He said he loved it.

Kyon: Really?

Haruhi: Yeah.

Kyon: That's just... Wow.

Haruhi: I know. I kept praying someone's head would explode.

Kyon: There's something really wrong with a theater that would even show a movie like that.

Haruhi: Movies have really gone downhill in the past few years.

Kyon: Yeah.

Haruhi: ...

Kyon: What is it?

Haruhi: Okay, can we go do something fun, now? Just the two of us?

Kyon: (sighing) I'd love to, but I still have a lot of homework to do.

Haruhi: Jeez... Why do you leave it for the last minute all the time?

Kyon: I can't help it. It's a compulsion.

Haruhi: Maybe if you didn't read so much, you'd have more time for homework.

Kyon: Maybe.

- Scene 6:

Morning. Kyon encounters a group of girls just outside the school entrance.

Girl #1: Hey, Kyon. We need to have a little chat.

Kyon: Huh? Sure, what's the problem?

Girl #1: Someone said they saw you going out with Nagato last night. Is that true?

Kyon: Yeah, so?

Girl #2: So, you're dating her, now?

Kyon: No, we just went to see a movie.

Girl #1: What do you call that, then? Sounds like a date to me.

Kyon: It wasn't a date. It's just friendly company, that's all. Don't read too much into it.

Girl #1: Well, then. Why not take a guy?

Kyon: Because she asked.

Girl #2: So, if I ask you to a movie, you'd go with me?

Kyon: No.

Girl #2: Why not?

Kyon: I don't even know you. No offense, but Miss Nagato and I have been friends for months and you never said anything. Why all this sudden interest?

Girl #1: Yeah. She's just your friend. That better not change.

Girl #2: How do we know you aren't lying?

Kyon: Okay, fine. Next time I won't invite a girl. Would that work for you? Because I really don't care, either way. I normally would invite my guy friends, but they were all busy.

Girl #1: Well, okay. I guess I can live with that. Just don't make us have to come kick your ass.

- Scene 7:

Kyon is sitting in the library, reading a comic book. Koizumi appears and sits across from him at a table.

Koizumi: Thought I might find you in here.

Kyon: You like books, too?

Koizumi: Of course. There is too much of a good thing, though. Books can be exhausting.

Kyon looks up from his book.

Kyon: That's very true.

Koizumi: No better way to pass the time, I say.

Kyon: You a big fan of comic books?

Koizumi: Not at all.

Kyon: Okay.

Koizumi: I had an interesting encounter with a group of girls today.

Kyon: Oh?

Koizumi: Yeah, it took some prompting, but they admitted that you had had them upset.

Kyon: What was that about?

Koizumi: They somehow had the idea that you were dating Miss Nagato.

Kyon: What did you say?

Koizumi: I said that that was ridiculous, of course. I had seen you go to the movies with Miss Suzumiya, I said.

Kyon: Interesting.

Koizumi: Yes. I actually had no idea you were at a movie. I was busy.

Kyon: Yes, I know.

Koizumi: So, did you go with Miss Suzumiya?

Kyon: Yeah.

Koizumi: Really?

Kyon: Yeah. Is that hard to believe?

Koizumi: No. Actually, it's a relief. Glad to know I wasn't lying to them. I explained to those girls that you were just trying to spare their feelings. You didn't want to make them look stupid, because that's what a nice guy you are. As for myself, I just couldn't help but be honest, sudden as all of it was to me.

Kyon: You're quite a diplomat.

Koizumi: Just thought you should know.

Kyon: I appreciate it.

Koizumi: I'm also here to check out a few books, so if you'll excuse me...

Kyon goes back to reading. A few moments later, Haruhi appears.

Haruhi: There you are.

Kyon: Hey.

Haruhi: Well, I finally figured out how to get you alone.

Kyon: Something on your mind?

Haruhi: No. I just think I might see what the big deal is. Is that really all that fun?

Kyon: Sure. Why not try it? You might like it.


	4. Gemini Dream

Gemini Dream:

- Scene 1:

On a train, early evening. Kyon sits among a few passengers, reading a book. Haruhi is on the other side of the car. The train stops and starts again, and Koizumi enters the car. Koizumi notices Haruhi almost immediately.

Koizumi: Oh, hey Miss Suzumiya.

Haruhi: Hey there, Koizumi.

Koizumi: Heading into town?

Haruhi: Yeah, I've got to-

Kyon starts to notice Haruhi, looking up from his book. A loud train noise drowns out the rest of what Haruhi says.

Koizumi: Me? I got a meeting to get to.

Haruhi: You work in town?

Koizumi: Sometimes.

Haruhi: (casual) What do you do?

Koizumi: I work in shipping for a small firm. It's really-

Another train noise drowns out the rest of what Koizumi says.

Haruhi: That sucks.

Koizumi: What?

Haruhi: (a bit louder) I said, that sucks. Jeez, these trains are no good for conversation.

Koizumi: I know. Before you know it, you're yelling at each other and everybody starts looking at you funny. I hate that.

Haruhi: Hey, do you mind if I ask a personal favor?

Koizumi: Oh? What is it?

Haruhi: This is going to sound weird, but do you think Yuki has a boyfriend?

Koizumi: I doubt it.

Haruhi: You think she might be interested?

Koizumi: Why do you ask?

Haruhi: Well, I'm worried that-

Another train noise obscures what she's saying.

Haruhi: -and I don't want to get in a big, messy argument. You know what I mean?

Koizumi: I think you might be overreacting.

Haruhi: Really?

Koizumi: Trust me. There's nothing going on.

Haruhi: Oh, I know. It's just... What kind of guys do you think she likes?

Koizumi: I don't know. I would guess she's into people who like to read. Maybe someone who's introverted and thoughtful.

Haruhi: You see. That's the problem. Can't you set her up?

Koizumi: I'll think about it. This kind of thing... It's really tough to bring up in a polite conversation.

Haruhi: I can set you up with Mikuru.

Koizumi: No, thank you.

Haruhi: What's the problem? You're intimidated by her good looks?

Koizumi: It's not that... I just don't think it would work out.

Haruhi: Why not? You're popular. She's popular. It's a perfect fit.

Koizumi: That's not the problem. It's just...

Haruhi: Just what?

Koizumi: I'd rather not talk about this on a train, all right?

Haruhi: You can't talk about it? Oh, this must be juicy. Now, I've got to know.

Koizumi: When did you become so concerned about my love life?

Haruhi: I just want to return the favor. You set someone up with Yuki and I set you up with Mikuru. It's perfect.

Koizumi: Please don't. Miss Asahina is just too much of a wallflower. All right? I don't like girls like that.

Haruhi: You don't?

Koizumi: No. I had a bad experience once, and-

A few girls go by, their conversation making it impossible for Kyon to make out what Koizumi is saying.

Koizumi: -so, it just wouldn't work. I like girls who like to be social.

Haruhi: Oh, okay. No need to get defensive.

Koizumi: Sorry, but this isn't a comfortable subject.

Koizumi looks away from Haruhi and finally notices Kyon.

Koizumi: Wait... Is that-?

Kyon smiles and waves to them. Koizumi goes to Kyon, and Haruhi follows him a few moments later.

Koizumi: Hey Kyon. How long have you been sitting there?

Kyon: The whole time.

Koizumi: (chuckling) I don't suppose you overheard about-?

Haruhi: Hey Kyon, you're going into town?

Kyon: (answering Haruhi) That's right. I couldn't help overhearing some of what you said.

Haruhi: You want to get a bite to eat?

Kyon: Sure, if you're treating.

Haruhi: You are such a cheapskate.

Koizumi: I can't stop to eat, myself. So, I'll just go on ahead.

Kyon: Okay.

Koizumi: Miss Suzumiya, you mind if I just have a private chat with Kyon for a bit?

Haruhi: That's fine. I need to check my phone. I might have gotten a text.

Haruhi goes back to the other side of the car again as Koizumi sits next to Kyon.

Kyon: You need to sit so close?

Koizumi: Now, now. It wouldn't do for Miss Suzumiya to overhear this.

Kyon: Okay. What do you want?

Koizumi: Kyon, do you by any chance have the student handbook on you?

Kyon: Huh? Oh, maybe.

Kyon goes fishing in his pockets and finds his handbook. He hands it to Koizumi.

Koizumi: Thanks a lot.

Kyon: How did you know I'd have that on me?

Koizumi: Miss Suzumiya mentioned that you'd kept it from our meeting earlier.

Kyon: What do you need it for?

Koizumi: I need it for work.

Kyon: What?

Koizumi: Some guys at work asked about it... I'd rather not go into details. I just now remembered, so...

Kyon: I thought you worked at... you know?

Koizumi: Huh? Oh. Well, the organization doesn't pay us directly. We can't afford to operate like that.

Kyon: So, you're like the yakuza.

Koizumi: Very funny. Actually, we do use a lot of the same methods. Anyway, I get a paycheck from this outfit. It's all perfectly legitimate.

Kyon: You have to go in and work on top of everything else?

Koizumi: No, no. Normally, I wouldn't even bother showing up. I have a guy who clocks in for me. Lately, they've been getting some government auditors... It's a real pain. You're not even interested in the details, right?

Kyon: Sorry, I'm just making polite conversation. Hey, why don't we start fighting? Make it look like we're having a really heated argument or something? I'm sure Haruhi would love that.

Koizumi: (softly laughing) I'm sure she would.

Kyon: Probably not a good idea.

Koizumi: Yeah. Oh, before I forget... Did you hear what Miss Suzumiya said about...?

Kyon: About what?

Koizumi: It's nothing. Could you do me a favor?

Kyon: What kind of favor?

Koizumi: Well, it would worry Miss Suzumiya less if you could set up Miss Nagato with someone.

Kyon: So, set her up yourself.

Koizumi: That's just the thing. I don't have a lot of spare time on my hands. I hardly ever talk to her. You know her better than I do, anyway.

Kyon: All right. I'll do it.

Koizumi: That's great.

Kyon: But not for you or Haruhi. I just feel like I owe her, anyway.

Koizumi: You do realize that it can't be a romantic thing?

Kyon: Huh? Between-?

Koizumi: I mean, for Miss Nagato.

Kyon: Why not?

Koizumi: Why not? Well...

Kyon: I'm sure there's a nice guy out there who can overlook her shortcomings.

Koizumi: I think being an alien is a pretty big shortcoming.

Kyon: I think you worry too much. Why are you always kissing up to Haruhi, anyway?

Koizumi: I don't really have a choice.

Kyon: I kind of doubt that.

Koizumi: Well, you think what you want. I got to get ready for the next stop.

Koizumi gets up.

Koizumi: Thanks for the handbook. I owe you one.

Kyon: Don't worry about it.

Koizumi: (to Haruhi) See you, Miss Suzumiya.

Koizumi leaves, and Haruhi approaches.

Haruhi: Hey there. Didn't see you. I guess I must have missed you when I came in.

Kyon: I guess you must have. And, here I am, reading a book.

Haruhi: Must be nice to have stealth technology like that.

Kyon: Huh?

Haruhi: I'm just playing with you. So, what's up? What did Koizumi talk about?

Kyon: Something about setting up Miss Nagato.

Haruhi: (annoyed) So, he's passing the buck to you? That's just great.

Kyon: What's the big deal? Miss Nagato and I talk all the time anyway.

Haruhi: (scowling) You have anyone in mind?

Kyon: Not off the top of my head.

Haruhi: I thought... You know, birds of a feather and all that...

Kyon: I guess that explains the two of us.

Haruhi: Yeah, right. I'm not a book-reading nerd.

Kyon: Neither am I. I just enjoy a good science fantasy every now and then.

Haruhi: Yeah, well... Let me know if you do find a guy. I'd like to check him out.

Kyon: Are you her mother?

Haruhi: No. I just know what a lousy judge of people you are.

Kyon: Where did that come from?

Haruhi: And don't even think of setting her up with that loser Taniguchi.

Kyon: Please. I wasn't even considering it.

Haruhi: ...

Kyon: Something on your mind?

Haruhi: No, nothing at all.

Kyon: I heard you trying to set up Koizumi with Miss Asahina again.

Haruhi: Again?

Kyon: You've been at that for a while. Don't you think it's time to give up on that?

Haruhi: No.

Kyon: Somehow, I doubt either one really wants to start dating the other.

Haruhi: You think she wants to go out with you?

Kyon: (sighing) I don't really see her as the type to start dating at a young age.

Haruhi: Yeah, she's the type who'd probably hook up with someone at twenty-five.

Kyon: So, you see? No point in nudging her into anything.

Haruhi: ...

Kyon: What?

Haruhi: Are you toying with me?

Kyon: Toying with you? What makes you think that?

Haruhi: Nothing. I guess you really didn't overhear everything I said.

Kyon: Like I said, is something on your mind?

Haruhi: No.

- Scene 2:

Still early evening, at a small snack shop. Haruhi and Kyon are having drinks at a table.

Kyon: So, do you think Nagato would like the old love letter in the shoe locker approach?

Haruhi: Huh? I don't know. Maybe.

Kyon: Something tells me that wouldn't really work.

Haruhi: Why are you worried about it? It's not like you want to date her, is it?

Kyon: No. I'm just thinking about offering suggestions, since I happen to know her.

Haruhi: That would skip a step in the process, but maybe it's not a good idea.

Kyon: The real problem is that I have no idea what she likes, if anything.

Haruhi: She obviously likes to read.

Kyon: Aside from that.

Haruhi: Hardly anyone doesn't like a good gift or maybe just some friendly words.

Kyon: Yeah, I'm probably overthinking it. Well, whatever happens, happens.

Haruhi: Does Mikuru have a job?

Kyon: What makes you think that?

Haruhi: I don't think it. I'm just wondering. There are times when she mysteriously avoids me, and she never explains why.

Kyon: Maybe she doesn't like you.

Haruhi: How could anyone not like me?

Kyon: You do play dress up a lot with her.

Haruhi: So?

Kyon: I guess you don't see that as annoying, huh?

Haruhi: I've never met a girl who didn't like to play dress up.

Kyon: (thinking for a moment) Maybe-

Haruhi: I'm good-looking, athletic, I get good grades...

Kyon: So?

Haruhi: So, I highly doubt anyone dislikes me.

Kyon: Even the computer club president?

Haruhi: Sure. I'll bet, deep down inside, he just wanted a rival like me.

Kyon: So, even if people insult you, they still like you. Got it.

Haruhi: Okay, maybe a few people are jealous of me. They just can't stand how awesome I am.

Kyon: You forget who you're talking to?

Haruhi: Huh?

Kyon: Just thinking of a certain baseball game.

Haruhi: That's totally different!

Kyon: Is it?

Haruhi: Okay, that was something that made me think.

Kyon: And thinking isn't your strong point.

Haruhi: I mean, it made me think that I was inferior. That was just something deeply personal that I told you because of how traumatized I was, then.

Kyon: You were traumatized by Miss Asakura suddenly disappearing?

Haruhi: (muttering) Why do I even bother? (stern) No, I mean I was traumatized at that baseball game.

Kyon: Yeah. You realized how truly unimportant you were, and you freaked out.

Haruhi: I realized something about people in general. I believe I can discover my greatness.

Kyon: Really?

Haruhi: Someday, I'll find something truly strange and magical. There has to be something like that out there.

Kyon: (laughing) And when you do discover it, it'll immediately seem unimportant.

Haruhi: I don't see anything funny about that.

Kyon: But, seriously. You're just setting yourself up for a huge disappointment.

Haruhi: Don't say that.

Kyon: Okay. Sure. One day, something will come along and blow your mind.

Haruhi: Really?

Kyon: I have no doubt about it.

Haruhi: I'm glad you said that.

Kyon takes another sip of his drink.

Haruhi: I kind of get what you're saying about Mikuru. Okay, I won't dress her up in weird stuff anymore.

Kyon: Yeah, I was about to mention that.

Haruhi: I knew you were. Yeah, there are times when I think I'm just a nobody, but I can't let it get to me.

Kyon: Right.

Haruhi: So, we're just going to keep on searching.

Kyon: For a boyfriend for Miss Nagato.

Haruhi: Shut up. That's your job. And, technically, that's Koizumi's job.

Kyon: Don't wait for Koizumi to do it. You'll die of old age, first.

Haruhi: No way! I won't ever die. I'm planning on living forever!

Kyon: (muttering) Manic-depressive.

Haruhi: Huh?

- Scene 3:

The next day, late afternoon at the park. Kyon is walking with Haruhi along a moderately busy sidewalk.

Haruhi: Don't tell me they're all lovey-dovey already.

Kyon: I highly doubt that.

Haruhi: Do you trust this guy?

Kyon: Of course. I wouldn't bother with all this if I didn't. Bringing you to check him out is just a formality.

Haruhi: Well, it was my idea.

Kyon: Yeah, that too.

Haruhi: Would Mikuru approve, do you think?

Kyon: Wow, where did that come from?

Haruhi: Well, Mikuru is the gold standard for these types of...

Haruhi sees Yuki apparently sitting with another Kyon at a bench (henceforth, referred to as "John"). Yuki is reading while John waves a greeting.

Haruhi: (laughing) This is a joke, right?

Kyon: Huh?

Haruhi: You really got me good. I knew you had a sick sense of humor, but...

Kyon: What are you talking about?

Haruhi: That isn't a costume, is it?

Kyon: No.

Haruhi: (upset) All right, what the hell is going on?

Kyon: This is my twin brother John.

Haruhi: You have got to be kidding me.

Kyon and Haruhi walk over to them, and Kyon introduces her.

Kyon: Haruhi, meet my little brother John.

Haruhi: (relunctant) Hello.

John: Hello.

Kyon: John came over to visit just yesterday and I thought he'd enjoy the company of Miss Nagato.

John: Indeed.

Kyon: They decided to visit the park and meet up with us. So, there you go.

Haruhi: Really?

Kyon: Really what?

Haruhi: (muttering) Okay, maybe this is a good thing.

Kyon: Huh?

Haruhi: So, you really have a twin brother?

Kyon: Yes.

Haruhi: Named "John"?

Kyon: Yes.

Haruhi: That's kind of an unusual name, don't you think?

Kyon: It's better than "Kyon".

John: Sorry, it's just a nickname, but it kind of stuck to me.

Haruhi: Okay, never mind what your name is. What I want to know is why the hell you have a twin brother and I never knew about it.

John: You probably never asked.

Kyon: That's true.

Haruhi: Okay, back up. Kyon, is there something else about your family you haven't told me that I should know?

Kyon: What do you want to know?

Haruhi: Your mother isn't an alien, is she?

Kyon: Of course not.

Haruhi: I've never seen this twin brother before. Why is that?

Kyon: Probably because he's been living with my father.

Haruhi: I thought your father lived with you.

Kyon: I live with my step-father. My father still lives in that old seaside town.

Haruhi: Why am I just now hearing about this?

Kyon: Because you just now asked.

Haruhi: Okay, when did you come here?

Kyon: About five years ago.

Haruhi: What does your father do?

Kyon: He's an auto mechanic. He also works on motorcycles-

Haruhi: I mean, what does your step-father do?

Kyon: Oh. He's an accountant.

Haruhi: Right. I knew that.

Kyon: We've already talked about a lot of this.

Haruhi: Right. Okay.

Kyon: So, are you all clear now?

Haruhi: And you're the older brother?

Kyon: Yeah.

Haruhi: This is pretty amazing. You two are pretty identical.

Kyon: In appearance, sure.

Haruhi: So, what's the difference between you two?

John: (pointing at his neck) Well, he has a mole right here. I don't have that.

Haruhi takes a good look at Kyon's neck.

Haruhi: Hey, you're right. I never noticed that.

Kyon: I'm the lazy, more irresponsible one.

John: And he's the honest one.

Kyon: Yeah, you should watch out. He always lies.

John: There's that Kyon sense of humor.

Haruhi: Okay, I see.

Kyon: Now, are you happy?

Haruhi: I'm still a little freaked out, okay?

Kyon: What for? You're not happy with him dating Nagato?

Haruhi: That's not it. I'm just still a little in shock over the whole twin thing.

Kyon: I'm sure you'll get over it.

Haruhi: (to John) Well, it was nice to meet you.

John: Likewise.

Haruhi: Sorry, but I have to run.

Kyon: See you.

Haruhi leaves, and Yuki looks up from her book.

Yuki: I'm returning to the apartment.

Yuki gets up and leaves.

Kyon: Affectionate girl, huh?

John: Actually, she probably could be.

Kyon: You think so?

John: I've really grown to enjoy her company.

Kyon: How so?

John: It's fun to try and get her to emote.

Kyon: She can emote?

John: Yeah, you wouldn't think it's possible, but I've already made her laugh a couple times.

Kyon sits next to John on the bench.

Kyon: That's unexpected.

John: I know. It's really weird.

Kyon: I'm still a little freaked out, myself.

John: You mean about the clone thing? Forget about it. You should have known that would happen.

Kyon: Yeah, the moment I found her at the library.

John: Actually, I think it was still an uncertainty till you mentioned this being Haruhi's idea.

Kyon: She kind of goes nuts when you mention Haruhi.

John: She likes to play video games.

Kyon: She has a game system?

John: She has whatever system she wants. She just kind of spell-casts it into being.

Kyon: That really shouldn't come as a surprise. She did kind of spell-cast you into being.

John: Scary, huh?

Kyon: Well, I wouldn't worry about it. She never does anything without a really good reason.

John: Oh, I know. You don't need to tell me.

Kyon: I only ever see her reading books.

John: Yeah, she mostly does that for fun.

Kyon: Does she ever work?

John: Oh yeah. All the time. She just sorts and moves data around like crazy.

Kyon: Really?

John: I see a lot of her "data interface" friends. They really pile on the work, and she plows through it like it's nothing. It is a lot of work, though.

Kyon: So, can you fit in? I'm kind of worried for you.

John: Don't bother. I fit in just fine. I eat, sleep, work, study, play... It's all nicely laid out for me.

Kyon: You don't sound too happy about it.

John: (sighing) It's not that I'm unhappy, it just that I kind of feel a little stir-crazy.

Kyon: Already? It hasn't even been a day.

John: I know that. It's just that everything is a little too darned orderly. That's all.

Kyon: So, just tell her and shake up the routine. No big deal, right?

John: Yeah, you're probably right. Oh, what am I saying? Of course, you're right.

Kyon: Nice to see you come to your senses.

John: I know you're really thinking, "Better him than me." But the truth is, I really love being with her. I can't imagine what life would be like without her.

Kyon: Well... I'm glad you feel that way.

John: Yeah.

- Scene 4:

Evening at Kyon's house. Kyon is sitting in his living room, watching TV as the doorbell rings. He goes and answers the door, and sees Yuki there.

Kyon: Oh, hey Miss Nagato. What's up?

Yuki: Have you seen John?

Kyon: No. What? Has he disappeared?

Yuki: I appear to have lost him.

Kyon: Okay.

Yuki: Has there been any input from him?

Kyon: No.

Yuki: ...

Kyon: Why don't you come inside?

Kyon goes to the living room, and Yuki follows, sitting across from him.

Yuki: My first hypothesis was that he had been killed, but I have seen no evidence of that.

Kyon: What were you doing at the time?

Yuki: I was at the apartment.

Kyon: And?

Yuki: And that is it.

Kyon: Wait, he never showed up?

Yuki: Correct.

Kyon: (thinking for a moment) So, he probably just stayed at the park.

Yuki: I checked. He's not there.

Kyon: Okay, maybe the library.

Yuki: I checked there, as well.

Kyon: Maybe you're just missing each other. You know, like ships passing in the night.

Yuki: That is a possibility, however I estimate a ninety percent chance that is not the case.

Kyon: I'm sure he'll show up at the apartment, at some point.

Yuki: Without being aware of his position, however, I have no assurance that he will.

Kyon: Are you actually worried about him?

Yuki: I don't know.

Kyon: Does he have a cell phone?

Yuki: No.

Kyon: Well, I'm not sure what else you can do.

Yuki: Will you help me?

Kyon: How can I do that?

Yuki: I cannot reliably predict your data patterns. I need your input if I am to locate him.

Kyon: Well, sure. If you think it'll help. You're probably wasting your time, though.

- Scene 5:

Kyon and Yuki wander a side street, turning toward an alley.

Kyon: I guess this could be it.

They see John sitting with a few homeless men.

John: I read that. That was an excellent work.

Man #1: I couldn't get into it. It seemed stuffy. I like reading about hot chicks.

Yuki and Kyon approach John, and he finally sees them.

John: Oh hey! What's up, guys?

Kyon: What's up with you? You planning on becoming homeless?

John: No. I was just talking with these guys. I guess I kind of forgot the time.

Kyon: (to Yuki) What did I tell you? You're worried for nothing.

John stands and looks at Yuki.

John: Sorry. I sometimes forget myself.

Yuki: Okay.

John: Are you okay? You're trembling.

Yuki: My interface is registering a forty-three percent loss of mobility. Its nervous systems are highly agitated. There also seems to be fluid leaking from its visual centers.

John: Whoa! You're fine. I'm sorry.

John embraces her and pats her head.

John: I should have been more considerate. I didn't really think you'd come looking for me.

Kyon: Are you guys okay?

John: Are you okay, Yuki?

Yuki: My interface is dangerously close to shutdown mode. I don't understand. My diagnostics must be malfunctioning.

Yuki collapses, and John quickly catches her.

John: Whoa! That was close. Hey, Kyon. We need to get her back. Help me out, huh?

- Scene 6:

At Yuki's apartment.

John and Kyon sit near Yuki.

John: She just fainted. She'll be fine.

Kyon: I've seen her take a lot of abuse and barely flinch. This is just unreal.

John: I know. I have those same memories.

Kyon: Well, I think it was probably more internal if you know what I mean.

John: Maybe I tweaked her emotions a bit too much.

Kyon: Don't beat yourself up. She just had a panic attack. I just never thought I would say that about her.

John: It doesn't really surprise me. I mean, in retrospect.

Yuki opens her eyes and slowly sits up.

Yuki: I lost consciousness.

John: You became desperate and lost control. It was all my fault.

Yuki: This interface became weak and it malfunctioned.

John: No. You reacted perfectly normally.

Yuki: I don't understand.

John: That's fine. It doesn't matter if you understand. What matters is that you're okay, now. Are you okay?

Yuki: Interface mobility registers at thirty-five percent, however, that value is slowly climbing.

John: That's a relief.

Kyon: (sighing) Well, that's enough drama for me. I'm worn out.

Yuki: Please explain. Why did this sudden loss of control occur?

Kyon: Seems pretty obvious. You've grown attached to each other.

Yuki: But why the delay in the reaction?

John: I don't know. That's just the way it is.

Yuki: I think I see. I had assumed that this interface was malfunctioning. Its instincts, however, had created a passive reaction.

John: Well, whatever happened, I promise not to stay out so late.

John embraces her again.

Yuki: What is the signficance of this gesture?

John: It means I don't want to leave. I never did.

Yuki: It seems to be the trigger for that reaction.

John pulls away.

John: You aren't going to shutdown again, are you?

Yuki: My interface seems to have developed a resistance.

Kyon: I think I should leave you guys alone.

Kyon leaves.

- Scene 7:

The next day, at the park. Kyon and Mikuru are at a bench as John arrives with Yuki.

John: Hello.

Mikuru: Hello.

Kyon: Good afternoon.

Mikuru: Is Miss Nagato feeling okay?

John: Yeah, she just wore herself out yesterday trying to impress me.

Mikuru: That's good to hear.

Kyon: So, did she impress you?

John: (amused) I think you know the answer to that.

Kyon: So, Miss Asahina, does this meet with your approval?

Mikuru: Why are you asking me?

Kyon: Because Haruhi said something about you being a gold standard something. I don't think she finished that sentence.

Mikuru: This is no problem for me.

Kyon: Really?

Mikuru: I'd explain, but it's classified. Sorry.

Kyon: (to John) I'm honestly a little worried. Can we trust you?

John: You can trust me just fine.

Kyon: Really? I don't want Yuki to come over again asking where you are.

John: It's no problem. I got a cell phone, so she can track me now the way she does you.

Kyon: I was wondering about that...

John: I think I might have miscalculated with the whole meeting at the park thing, yesterday.

Kyon: How is that?

John: Well, I didn't think about how Haruhi would react, and I'm a little worried about whether she'll talk to Mom.

Kyon: Okay. If she does talk to Mom, we'll just say that Mom doesn't like to talk about it because of the divorce and the move, etc.

John: Right. So, I guess the only problem is Sister. You think she can handle meeting me?

Kyon: Probably not a good idea.

John: Yeah, I'll put that on hold for a while.

Kyon: It's too much of a big change for her to handle right now, anyway.

John: I have the feeling Haruhi won't talk about it. So, it's probably okay.

Mikuru: (to Yuki) Are you feeling okay?

Yuki: I'm okay.

Mikuru: Because I heard you passed out yesterday. I was a little worried.

Yuki: Your concern is appreciated, but this interface was not in any serious danger.

Mikuru: If John starts to do something stupid, you feel free to knock him around a bit.

Kyon: I think he might enjoy that.

Mikuru: Okay, too much information.

John: You get your handbook back?

Kyon: Yeah, Koizumi is always reliable about that kind of thing.

Mikuru: (to John) So, are you enjoying yourself? You don't feel like running away again?

John: I didn't run away in the first place, and yeah. I'm enjoying myself.

Mikuru: That's good to hear.

John: What are you smiling about?

Mikuru: I saw Koizumi earlier today, now that you mention him. I think I saw him with a girl.

Kyon: You know who she is?

Mikuru: No, but he seemed like he was flirting with her.

John: Oh, I see.

Kyon: She could have just been family.

Mikuru: I don't think he has a little sister.

Kyon: Hmm...

John: Maybe we should go find out.

Kyon: Probably not a good idea. The way he keeps talking about his home life, it's probably really depressing.

John: Oh, right.

Mikuru: I'll keep you guys updated. (to John) Welcome to the world.

John: Thanks.


	5. Urges II

Urges II:

- Scene 1:

The clubroom. Kyon and Yuki are playing a board game, as Mikuru knits and Haruhi types away at the computer.

Haruhi: Seamstress?

Kyon: Sure. Doesn't that seem appropriate?

Haruhi: Why would a research and consulting group need a seamstress?

Kyon: Because she's obviously good at it, for one. For another, suppose we get a fashion designer, looking for career advice?

Haruhi: I'd tell him he's wasting his time.

Koizumi enters.

Koizumi: Hi guys. Oh! Nice to see everybody back.

Haruhi: It's only been a week.

Koizumi: I wasn't sure we'd still have a club at this point.

Haruhi: And why not?

Koizumi: I just thought...

Haruhi: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was just being selfish and stupid, and wasting your talents. I know that, now.

Koizumi: (surprised) Really? My talents?

Haruhi: From now on, you're our lead academic coordinator.

Koizumi goes to Haruhi and looks at the computer.

Koizumi: Is that what you're working on?

Haruhi: You want to have a look? Well, I want you to do up some print outs for us, so I guess you can start by being our public relations consultant.

Haruhi types again for a few moments.

Koizumi: Oh, I see. You're redefining the SOS Brigade.

Haruhi: I'm refining it. Jeez. You guys love jumping to conclusions.

Koizumi: What brought this on?

Koizumi reads a little over Haruhi's shoulder.

Haruhi: Well, Kyon's been nagging me about this for a while, now. Lately, it seems like this is all he cares about. I can't go five minutes without him dropping hints.

Koizumi: (amused) "Lead Academic Coordinator, Male Student Promotions Chief, Public Relations Consultant."

Haruhi: Oh, yeah. I have you in charge of bringing in clients.

Koizumi: Who's scouting the girls?

Haruhi points, and Koizumi reads.

Koizumi: "Yuki Nagato: Head of Research, Female Student Promotions Chief."

Haruhi: I'm dividing that duty since you already have other duties, and that just seemed like the logical way to go.

Koizumi: So, how is this related to the... refinement?

Haruhi: See for yourself.

Koizumi: Oh, I see. You have a new mission statement. "To research and consult for individual students in the arts, and to provide discovery and direction, with particular emphasis on interdisciplinary studies."

Haruhi: It's not really a different approach. I think it's just more precise. And it has the added benefit of helping me organize your duties better.

Koizumi: This sounds a lot like the general mission statement for the school itself. I hope we don't step on any toes.

Haruhi: That's really up to you, Mr. Public Relations.

Koizumi: (pointing) I'm not too crazy about this, either.

Haruhi: Huh?

Koizumi: "Mikuru Asahina: Career Consultant..." That doesn't really fit with her abilities, does it?

Haruhi: Who better than Mikuru to give sound advice about the future?

Koizumi: ...

Haruhi: I mean, she's way more mature than the rest of us. Duh.

Koizumi: Oh, I thought... Never mind. (thinking for a moment) I'm just wondering whether that job description really fits her.

Haruhi: Who would you prefer for that role? Kyon?

Koizumi: Why not? Seems to be a better match, the way I see it. Let me see... "Other." Is that all you have him doing?

Haruhi: Kyon is our leg-man.

Koizumi: How about this? Give Kyon the assistant position to the career consultant role.

Haruhi: I guess I could do that.

Haruhi types away at the computer.

Koizumi: What's your role? Let's see, "President, Lead Arts Coordinator, Research Assistant." That's...

Haruhi: Yes?

Koizumi: How very level-headed. I'm impressed. And, since this is an effort with an interdisciplinary approach, that gives us a lot of duties in common.

Haruhi: Right. We'll be working side-by-side. This also puts Kyon and Mikuru together a lot... There's something seriously messed up about all this...

Koizumi: I'm afraid I have to agree.

Haruhi gets up and takes her bag.

Haruhi: Oh, well. That's the best I can come up with, for now. Make sure you get that printed out. I have a thing to get to.

Kyon: That father-daughter thing?

Haruhi: (scowling) Yeah. I'm really not looking forward to that.

Kyon beckons for her and then kisses her as she leans over.

Kyon: Have fun.

Haruhi: Jeez! You don't have to show off!

Haruhi hurries from the room, while Kyon looks amused.

Koizumi: (frowning) I would suggest that you...

Kyon waves a book in his face, then hands it to Yuki.

Yuki: Thank you.

Kyon: Sorry it took so long.

Haruhi: (from the hallway) Son of a bitch!

Kyon: Better hurry up and hide it.

Yuki quickly transfers the book to the shelves behind her and goes back to playing just as Haruhi flings the door open.

Haruhi: Kyon! You bastard!

Kyon: Aren't you going to be late to that thing?

Haruhi glowers at him for a few moments, scans the table for another moment, then turns back to Kyon.

Haruhi: Where did you hide it?

Kyon: Hide what?

Haruhi: You know what I'm... (scowling) Forget it!

Haruhi starts toward the door.

Haruhi: You better not read it. That book is cursed.

Kyon: Cursed?

Haruhi: Horrible things will happen to anyone who reads it.

Kyon: Including you?

Haruhi: Especially me! I'm cursed with you.

Kyon: (smoothly) And I'm cursed with you, too. So, that makes it okay for me-

Haruhi: No, it doesn't. And I'll know if you do read it.

Haruhi hurries out again.

Koizumi: Oh, I see. (sighing) Kyon, is this kind of thing going to happen a lot?

Kyon: I'm just helping Haruhi fulfill her promise.

Koizumi: How did you know she had the book on her?

Kyon: I saw her debating with herself in class, earlier today. There aren't that many things that fire her up that much.

Koizumi sits and works at the computer for a moment, then takes a thumb drive and pockets it.

Koizumi: I'm going to go take care of this. You guys try not to do anything crazy while I'm gone.

Koizumi leaves the room.

Kyon: (to Yuki) Don't worry about being cursed. I'm sure it's just a bluff.

Yuki: I'm not worried.

Mikuru: Is that Haruhi's diary?

Kyon: Yeah, so? What, have you already read it?

Mikuru: ...

Kyon: Well, I guess you'd have the edited version in your time.

Mikuru: Actually, her diary is banned from all our public libraries. It's just way too...

Kyon: Oh, well that makes sense.

Mikuru looks oddly guilty, then gets up.

Mikuru: Excuse me.

Mikuru leaves, as Kyon starts to smile.

Kyon: Already been hit by the curse, huh?

Yuki: That would have to include myself.

Kyon: Huh? Why?

Yuki: I am already aware of its current contents.

Kyon: Then, why would you want to read it?

Yuki: I have my reasons.

Kyon stops playing and gets up.

Kyon: Well, I'm sure you do. In the meantime, I think I'd better see if Miss Asahina is okay.

Kyon gets up and leaves the room.

- Scene 2:

Kyon notices Mikuru in the hallway, and he approaches.

Kyon: Miss Asahina?

Mikuru: Oh, hey Kyon. I was just thinking... about the new direction for the SOS Brigade.

Kyon: Well, that's good.

Mikuru: Is this seriously the new direction we're taking?

Kyon: Yeah. Why not? Seems like fun to me. There's still the possibility for strange things to happen. It'll just have to take place while we do things that are useful, for a change.

Mikuru: I don't know if I'm really cut out for the role.

Kyon: That seemed kind of strange to me, too. You know how Haruhi is when she gets those ideas, though. And it looks like I'll mostly be doing all that work, anyway.

Mikuru: Can you really give people advice for the future?

Kyon: Sure. It's mostly just listening to what they like to talk about, the way I figure.

Mikuru: Really?

Kyon: Yeah. So, for example, if you came to me for advice, I would say that you should study history and maybe even specialize in ancient cultures.

Mikuru: (smiling) That's way too easy.

Kyon: All right, sure. How about if Koizumi came to me for advice? I think I'd suggest a career in politics or maybe acting.

Mikuru: What about yourself?

Kyon: I have no idea. I don't really want to do anything. What would you suggest?

Mikuru: (softly laughing) That's classified.

Kyon: Oh. I can see how you might have a problem with your new duties.

Mikuru: Yeah.

Kyon: So, what's Haruhi's diary like?

Mikuru: How did you know I...?

Kyon: (smirking) Just asking.

Mikuru: (sighing) I'd really rather not talk about it.

Kyon: Why not? It's bound to be a fun read.

Kyon takes a book from his jacket. He opens it and flips through it.

Kyon: Let's see...

Mikuru gasps and backs away.

Mikuru: Is that-?

Kyon: The one and only. What?

Mikuru: No! Put it back!

Mikuru shuts the book closed.

Kyon: Oh, come on! How bad can it be?

Mikuru: You have no idea. How did you get your hands on that? I thought you'd given it to Miss Nagato.

Kyon: That was a fake.

Mikuru: Oh jeez.

Kyon: So, I take it you really have read it.

Kyon puts the book back into his jacket.

Mikuru: I've only read parts of it. It was the edited version, too.

Kyon: You have a really delicate disposition.

Mikuru: Maybe so, but her diary scares me. I can't imagine why Miss Nagato wants to read it.

Kyon: She doesn't want to read it. She's already read it.

Mikuru: She has?

Kyon: She has some ulterior motive, although I have no idea what it is. I mean, nothing that seems like her.

Yuki approaches.

Kyon: Speaking of Miss Nagato...

Yuki: I'll take the diary, now.

Kyon takes it out of his jacket again and hands it over to her.

Kyon: Sorry. I guess you really do want to look at it, even if you have already read it.

Yuki: Yes. There are many things you can learn from an original that cannot be detected from a copy.

Mikuru cringes in shock.

Kyon: You picked up on what I did really fast, there.

Yuki: Actually, you surprised me.

Kyon: Really?

Yuki: Yes.

Kyon: Okay. I was kind of hoping for a chance to read it, myself.

Yuki starts to walk away for a moment, then turns back around.

Yuki: I will be finished at six if you are still curious.

Yuki leaves, and Mikuru sighs with relief.

Kyon: (smiling) That was quite a scene. You're acting like it's the Necronomicon.

Mikuru: I can't stop you if you really want to see it, but...

Kyon: But?

Mikuru: You might learn some things about Miss Suzumiya you really don't want to know.

Kyon: Well, okay. If I get to a part where she's talking about me...

Mikuru shakes her head.

Kyon: Huh?

Mikuru: Just trust me on this. Don't even open it.

Kyon: Okay. Since you took the trouble to warn me, I won't read it unless she invites me to.

Mikuru: Really?

Kyon: Yeah, really.

Mikuru: You've made the right decision.

Kyon: Thanks.

Mikuru: I really admire the way you always turn it around and do the right thing.

Kyon: Is that how you see me?

Mikuru: I never had the courage to admit it before, but I really look up to you.

Kyon: I doubt I'm worthy of it, but thanks.

Mikuru: You're just the kind of man I wish I could marry.

Kyon: ...

Mikuru: Oh my... I'm sorry, don't take that the wrong way.

Kyon: I don't mind if you flirt with me.

Mikuru: (hiding her face with her hands) Just forget I said that, please.

Kyon: Okay.

- Scene 3:

Kyon stands in the park, looking at a water fountain. He sees a couple kissing nearby and looks away.

Kyon: Sheesh. Find a room.

He looks around and notices Haruhi approaching along a moderately crowded sidewalk.

Kyon: (waving) Haruhi!

- Scene 4:

Early evening at a nearby cafe. Haruhi taps her foot while stirring a drink.

Haruhi: Right out in public?

Kyon: In front of a crowded sidewalk. I was so mortified.

Haruhi: (laughing) You are such a hypocrite.

Kyon: (tense) Hey, I made sure we had privacy.

Haruhi: Not at the clubroom, earlier.

Kyon: That was different.

Haruhi: Oh, sure. You've got no problem with whatever crazy perversions people enjoy, as long as you don't have to witness it.

Kyon: Is that wrong?

Haruhi: Sure, it is.

Kyon: And, for the record, I don't care even if I do witness something perverted. I do mind being in an audience.

Haruhi: You're just afraid of exhibitionists.

Kyon: More like, I'm disgusted by them.

Haruhi: Well...

Haruhi takes a sip then continues.

Haruhi: Okay, I happen to agree with that.

Kyon: Anyway, what happened in the clubroom was not a big surprise to anyone there. So, it doesn't count.

Haruhi: It was a surprise to me.

Kyon: Yeah, I guess that was kind of the point.

Haruhi: And you took my diary before I had a chance to give it to Yuki myself.

Kyon: That's crap. You had a whole week of chances to do it yourself. You just didn't have the guts.

Haruhi: Are you saying you're braver than I am?

Kyon: I must be if I could accomplish in ten seconds what you couldn't do in a week.

Haruhi: You're real brave with other people's lives.

Kyon: Okay, I admit you're right about that. I'm sorry I took your diary. I was just really annoyed at how much you were avoiding Nagato.

Haruhi: Forget it. I can't stay mad when it means we can go back and have some fun again.

Kyon: Don't tell me you already want to do it again.

Haruhi: Already? It's been a week. Now, I have to make up for lost time.

Kyon: Time that you lost yourself.

Haruhi: All right. Jeez. Stop bringing it up.

Haruhi goes back to her drink again.

Kyon: So, how'd the thing go?

Haruhi: It's probably still going.

Kyon: Huh?

Haruhi: It was just a bunch of boring speeches, so I slipped out. No big deal. I do it all the time.

Kyon: You must make your parents really proud.

Haruhi: I don't give them a reason to hate me.

Kyon: Other than sneaking out and dating someone they don't know.

Haruhi: You tell your parents everything?

Kyon: Sure. Well, my mother knows all about you.

Haruhi: Does she know about...?

Kyon: No. I do have to keep up the big brother image.

Haruhi: Big brother...

Kyon: Eww. That's just creepy and wrong when you do it.

Haruhi: (laughing) You should have seen the expression on your face.

Kyon: A spoiled only-child would never understand.

Haruhi: I don't tell my dad about you because I don't want to be suddenly transferred or find myself living in Europe.

Kyon: He's the possessive type?

Haruhi: You have no idea.

Kyon: Does he spy on you?

Haruhi: No, but I do get this feeling like I'm being watched a lot.

Kyon: That's probably... I mean, you might just be a little paranoid.

Haruhi: I'm not paranoid. If people want to see what I'm up to, that's fine with me.

Kyon: It is?

Haruhi: Yeah.

Kyon: You like what we're doing with the SOS Brigade?

Haruhi: This again?

Kyon: I just want to see if you have reservations.

Haruhi: A little late for that.

Kyon: Not really. You're still president, so you could make it a cosplay club if you really wanted.

Haruhi: (scowling) I'm not a freaking otaku.

Kyon: All right. I know.

Haruhi: And I don't know why I need to refine things. Why is that necessary? It seemed okay to me before.

Kyon: Really?

Haruhi: Yeah, really.

Kyon: Because it seemed to me like the rest of us never really felt included in what we were doing.

Haruhi: So, you need a steady title to feel included?

Kyon: I don't know. Maybe. But, at least now we can share in making decisions.

Haruhi: You want to feel included? You're already a member.

Kyon: Yeah, but that doesn't really mean anything unless we have some assurances.

Haruhi: What do you mean by that?

Kyon: Well... Okay, for example. Yesterday, I was just a doer of "other" things. A "leg-man" as I recall. With my current position, I can already get started on things like career advice. I don't need to wait for your say so.

Haruhi: How does that help me?

Kyon: It helps you by helping me. It assures me of things to do, other than sitting around playing card games until everyone shows up. It also lets me think about how I can contribute. So, I can say, "Maybe you should consider a career in showbiz. I think you might make a great game show host, someday."

Haruhi: You think I could be a game show host?

Kyon: Well, that was just an example.

Haruhi: I think I'd prefer to work in something a little more realistic.

Kyon: Yeah. And, you see, I just opened the door for this conversation. It makes consultation go that much quicker.

Haruhi: You're right. I can't be everywhere at once. I don't know what I was thinking.

Kyon: I think everything will run a lot smoother, although you might not like exactly what we're doing at times. A little freedom goes a long way toward making things more efficient in the long run.

Haruhi: Freedom?

Kyon: Freedom to carry out our assigned roles, even when you're not standing over us barking orders.

Haruhi: You really are fixated on this.

Kyon: I think you'll find that I'm right about this. And, once everything is running more smoothly, you'll have a lot more fun.

Haruhi: It's weird, but I think you're right. I didn't really give enough serious thought to this.

Kyon: Yeah.

Haruhi: You didn't have to agree with that.

Haruhi looks around.

Haruhi: Jeez! Isn't it six, already? That is the time she said, right?

Kyon: Yeah.

Haruhi: Maybe she wouldn't mind if we came over a little early.

Kyon: Calm down. Just order something to eat.

Haruhi: I'm not hungry.

Kyon: (sighing) Try to be a little patient.

Haruhi: You chat a lot with Yuki, you know.

Kyon: So?

Haruhi: Why doesn't she ever chat with me?

Kyon: I have no idea.

Haruhi: Oh, I know. She's an alien, and she's too busy studying me.

Kyon: I just tell it how I see it.

Haruhi: Idiot.

Kyon: What?

Haruhi: She's an alien, but she totally hits on you right under my nose.

Kyon: Okay, I don't see how you came to that conclusion.

Haruhi: Because I can think. Duh. Can you?

Kyon: I think you're crazy.

Haruhi: And Cyrano de Bergerac is a comedy. A comedy.

Kyon: It is?

Haruhi: God! You really are an idiot. You said you'd read that play.

Kyon: Give me a break. It was years ago.

Haruhi: Yeah. I think I know what happened. Your class read it aloud while you slept through most of it.

Kyon: ...

Haruhi: Try actually reading it some time. It's hilarious.

Kyon: I can't believe I'm being lectured about literature by you, of all people.

Haruhi: Believe it. That's just how stupid you are.

Kyon: Okay, so I was a little off the mark on that one. Sorry, but I was little distracted, as I recall.

Haruhi: Yuki even corrected you on a basic plot point.

Kyon: I think there's a big difference between discussing esoteric nuances of literature and flirting with someone.

Haruhi: You still don't see it?

Kyon: I'm willing to bet that I'm right.

Haruhi: Okay. We'll go back over to her place and find out. We'll bet... a week's allowance.

Kyon: Okay.

Haruhi: I'm betting she hits on you again.

Kyon: And I'm positive she won't. And it has to be something clearly romantic. Not any of this "considering the situation" crap you keep talking about.

Haruhi: You've got a bet.

Kyon: Yeah.

Haruhi: Prepare to be poor for a week.

Kyon: Yeah, right. Don't start spending that money just yet.

Haruhi: This will be the easiest money I've ever made.

Kyon: (suddenly thoughtful) Of course...

Haruhi: What?

Kyon: I just had a thought. What if you're right?

Haruhi: Yeah, that isn't quite sitting right with me. Oh well. I'll just kick your ass if you try anything.

Kyon: So, it is a win-win, any way you look at it.

Haruhi: Except for Yuki, but I wouldn't feel too bad about it. She's probably done reading my diary by now. Man, I sure hope she skims a lot.

- Scene 5:

Yuki's apartment. Yuki is sitting at the table, sifting through a few pamphlets. Kyon and Haruhi enter.

Kyon: Hello. Hope we're not intruding.

Haruhi: Hey, Yuki.

Yuki: Please, come in. I will be with you, shortly.

Haruhi and Kyon sit across from Yuki, as she continues to study the pamphlets.

Kyon: So, have you finished reading Haruhi's diary?

Yuki: Yes.

Haruhi: Great! So, what are you working on?

Yuki: (looking up) My new position requires the production of promotional materials.

Kyon: Oh, so that's what this is?

Yuki: Correct.

Haruhi: You mind if I have a look?

Yuki: Go ahead.

Yuki goes back to studying another pamplet, as Haruhi looks at the nearest one.

Haruhi: Photos and graphics? Nice layout. What is this, laminated?

Yuki: Coated stock.

Haruhi: Oh, right.

Yuki: So, what is your opinion?

Haruhi: Looks really professional. I feel...

Kyon: I think she's saying she's impressed.

Yuki hauls out a small stack of pamphlets.

Yuki: Please let me know your opinion of these, as well.

Haruhi looks a little overwhelmed.

Haruhi: Me?

Yuki: (looking up again) You are the lead arts coordinator, correct?

Haruhi: Oh, okay.

- Scene 6:

Still at Yuki's apartment. Haruhi and Yuki are shifting pamphlets back and forth, as Kyon reads a book.

Haruhi: I really like what you did with this set. I'm not really sure I'm qualified to narrow it down better than that.

Yuki: I would appreciate it, even if your input is just instinctive. In fact, I would prefer it.

Haruhi: It's really no big deal. Just pick one. No need to be so picky.

Yuki: Okay. If you say so.

Haruhi folds her arms and scowls.

Haruhi: Hey Kyon, is this normal?

Kyon: (looking up from his book) Huh?

Haruhi: No offense, Yuki, but I get the feeling you're on drugs.

Yuki: Drugs?

Haruhi: Have you been smoking crack when I wasn't looking?

Kyon: What makes you think that?

Haruhi: Well, just look at her. The shifty eyes, the weird hand gestures, the way she jerks her head almost bird-like...

Kyon: Are you sure you...? Whoa, you're right.

Yuki: You perceive some variation in this interface?

Kyon: Yeah.

Yuki: I have not noticed any change. Interesting.

Haruhi: Maybe we should come back later.

Yuki: There is no danger.

Haruhi: Is there anything we can do?

Yuki: My diagnostics have not detected any erroneous...

Kyon: What?

Yuki looks an Haruhi intently.

Yuki: No, that is incorrect. I think my diagnostics... Wait.

Haruhi: Kyon, what on Earth is she saying?

Kyon: I don't know.

Haruhi: Okay, I'm getting a little freaked out. Yuki, are you really an alien?

Yuki: Please stand by. I'm running a verification on my internal diagnostics.

Haruhi: Whoa. This is scary.

Yuki: No abnormalities. Strange. My interface did not give any indication-

Haruhi: Okay, stop. Stop! Yuki, why the hell are you talking like that?

Yuki: Is my input damaged?

Haruhi: I don't know how I never noticed, but you're really weird when you talk.

Yuki: In what manner?

Haruhi: Well, you speak in monotone. You sound like a freaking robot.

Yuki: Interesting. I will perform an analysis.

Haruhi: I...

Kyon: Haruhi, maybe that's enough.

Haruhi: I'm a little confused. What the hell?

Kyon: Just calm down. I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation.

Yuki: Analysis complete. The data pattern you refer to is the result of an accidental imprinting from the data unit programming device.

Kyon: Imprinting? When did that happen?

Yuki: Shortly after this interface was born.

Kyon: So, you're saying that you learned to talk that way from whatever programmed you after you were born?

Yuki: To be precise, when I was removed from the incubator.

Haruhi: (starting to freak out) Whoa! Time out! You guys are seriously weirding me out!

Kyon: Calm down, Haruhi. This is all making perfect sense.

Haruhi: How?

Kyon: Well, think about it. Right after she was born, she saw a machine that spoke like that and basically thought of it like a mother. The machine was probably just some tape recorder.

Haruhi: Oh...

Kyon: It's a rather odd way to be raised, but it's kind of a relief to know you really aren't an android.

Yuki: I have no memory of these events.

Kyon: Well, of course not. You had just been born. You were informed later, right?

Yuki: My analysis of this interface has returned several discrepencies, but I have not narrowed down the cause.

Kyon: Is it important?

Yuki: Without confirmation of verified data, I cannot...

Kyon: What?

Yuki: I think I see.

They sit in silence for a few moments.

Yuki: (to Haruhi) Did you ever wish you had been born male?

Haruhi: (softly) What are you talking about?

Yuki: In the accumulation of your literature, I have noticed a strong correlation between energetic, opportunistic, human beings who possess great skill, and their tendency to be male. It would seem in error that this interface would possess such characteristics when all data units of this particular project were made to be female.

Haruhi: What does that...?

Yuki: I do not understand.

Kyon: Just because literature says something is true, doesn't necessarily mean it is.

Yuki: That was not the subject to which I was referring.

Yuki puts Haruhi's diary on the table and opens it to a page near the middle, turning it so that Kyon can see it clearly.

Kyon: Is this...?

Yuki: If you read this passage-

Haruhi: Oh my God!

Yuki: -there is no indication that this interface she refers to is male or female. It is simply the subject of a crude, sexual conquest without respect to-

Haruhi shuts the book.

Haruhi: (to Kyon) Please, don't look at that! Anything but that!

Kyon: (to Yuki) Oh, I see. But what does that have to do with you? Are you saying that you wished you could live out that fantasy?

Haruhi is shocked, stone-cold.

Yuki: I don't know.

Kyon: (to Haruhi) Is that all you didn't want me to see? Jeez, I'm kind of disappointed.

Haruhi slowly starts to collect herself.

Yuki: (to Kyon) Would you find it offensive if I did?

Kyon: Why are you asking me?

Yuki: Because I believe that you draw a connection between such interactions and the issue of trust. Additionally, I recall that you have encouraged me to prioritize these "erroneous" incidents with preference to their affectionate aspects. You made a point of indicating that quite strongly.

Kyon: I did? Well, good for me. I'm glad you listened.

Yuki: So-

Haruhi: (a little desperate) Stop! Please, I'm begging you!

Kyon: What's the problem?

Haruhi: Have you two lost your minds?

Kyon: Haruhi, you already know what I think. Do what you want. I'll still trust you as long as you trust me.

Haruhi: You cannot be serious.

Kyon: She isn't threatening to blow up the world or kill you or anything like that. What's the harm in living out a little fantasy?

Haruhi: But I don't think...

Kyon: Why did you fantasize about Yuki unless you really wanted something to happen?

Haruhi: ...

Kyon: I'm going back to my book. You figure it out.

Kyon goes back to reading.

Haruhi: This is, by far, the weirdest thing that's ever happened to me.

Yuki: Do you find your fantasy to be offensive?

Haruhi: Yes! Incredibly offensive!

Yuki: To yourself?

Haruhi: To... I don't know. I just don't think...

Yuki: I did not find it offensive.

Haruhi: You didn't?

Yuki: No.

Yuki opens the diary again to that page and shows Haruhi.

Yuki: You see?

Haruhi: I wrote it, so I should know.

Yuki: I do not mean the content of what you wrote. I mean the method and appearance of the words.

Haruhi: What about it?

Yuki: Do you not see the way the words are written so as to suggest the affection of its author for this subject? The way the words create an overall harmony that suggests the author's audacity? The increasing firmness and thickness of the lines that suggest the increasing verisimilitude of the content?

Haruhi: (softly) I see it, yeah.

Yuki: It seems clear to me that you are receptive to interactions of a positive aspect.

Haruhi: (collecting herself) That doesn't mean I want to do it with you!

Yuki: Of course not.

Yuki closes the book.

Yuki: What I wish is for an increased social standing.

Haruhi: (laughing) Well, you certainly have that. Kyon and I both cherish you.

Yuki: So, you would not object if I came closer to you.

Yuki sits closer to Haruhi, nearly touching.

Yuki: (softly) However, this would not satisfy your fantasy.

Haruhi: It wouldn't?

Yuki: No. Let me remind you. Your fantasy is to touch a cherished friend's interface in a pleasing way before you had made any meaningful advancement in social standing.

Haruhi: (softly) Oh God!

Yuki: However, you would not crudely waste your energies in a few moments. This interface would demand the slow and inexorable full potential of its yield of pleasure.

Haruhi: ...

Yuki: It would not permit your instincts to take hold until you were firmly convinced of your own intentions.

Haruhi: Yuki, tell me something.

Yuki: Yes?

Haruhi: Who am I? Why am I here?

Yuki: ...

Haruhi closes her eyes for a moment, then scowls furiously.

Haruhi: Tell me!

Yuki: I don't know.

Haruhi slaps Yuki hard across the cheek.

Haruhi: (softly) Don't you ever... ever come on to me like that again!

Yuki rubs her cheek, as Haruhi gets up and looms over Kyon. Kyon stops reading.

Haruhi: Kyon? What the hell? Why didn't you stop her?

Kyon: It's none of my business.

Haruhi: I'm surrounded by idiots! Do I have to do everything?

Kyon: I was getting kind of turned on, actually.

Haruhi: Huh?

Kyon: I don't really get those girl-girl books and such. They just seemed like crappy writing. But this situation, I have to admit, was strangely arousing.

Haruhi: You're such a pervert.

Kyon: Yeah, you're right.

Haruhi: I guess I should expect this from you, but from Yuki?

Kyon: Well, you owe me a week's allowance.

Haruhi: Huh?

Kyon: I'm just kidding. I'm not really sure how our bet panned out here.

Haruhi: I can't believe you could think of that at a time like this.

Kyon: (to Yuki) Are you okay? Sorry if she hurt you.

Haruhi: Why are you apologizing to her?

Yuki: Actually, I seemed to have regained normal function. For some reason, my programming faulted and I failed to detect it.

Kyon: Maybe that diary is cursed.

Haruhi: Maybe.

Yuki: I don't know the reason, but when my programming faulted, I became unstable and permitted the instinctive nature of this interface to take control.

Haruhi: You got drunk on my violently passionate words and lost your inhibitions. Then, when I clobbered you, you snapped out of it. Nothing mysterious about it.

Yuki: I see. Thank you for striking me.

Haruhi: Kyon, I want to know everything you've talked about with Yuki. I think you've been feeding her delusions. But...

Kyon: Oh, right. (to Yuki) Sorry, but would it be okay if we could have a moment alone?

Yuki: I understand.

Yuki gets up and leaves.

Haruhi: (wiping her eyes) Man, my eyes are watering. That was seriously intense.

Kyon: Maybe I'm delusional, too.

Haruhi: Wouldn't surprise me.

Kyon: You don't really want to know everything, do you?

Haruhi: I guess not. No telling what other weirdness would take place.

Kyon: We should really do something nice for her, to make up for this.

Haruhi: What? Why?

Kyon: Well, if you think about it, what happened was really your fault.

Haruhi: You... Oh, forget it. I'm not in the mood to argue.

- Scene 7:

Nighttime. Kyon and Haruhi are slowly walking toward the train station.

Kyon: That was strange. I've never seen Yuki with those mannerisms before.

Haruhi: You weren't afraid of her?

Kyon: I don't believe she wants to hurt us.

Haruhi: I'm glad to hear you say that.

Kyon: What's bothering you? You're still freaked out about what she said to you?

Haruhi: No. I'm kind of freaked out about what happened. I'm just realizing that I was being totally unreasonable.

Kyon: What? How?

Haruhi: Well, if you had tried to stop her, I think I would have lost respect for you.

Kyon: Really?

Haruhi: I can't be with someone I don't respect, and I'm a little freaked out that we had that close call.

Kyon: You can write about it in your diary.

Haruhi: Yeah. Finally, something worth writing about. "Dear diary, I almost made my scariest fantasy come true."

Kyon: Maybe you should show some respect for your diary.

Haruhi: There's something I can never do. My diary does nothing but kiss my ass.

Kyon: Oh, I see.

Haruhi: Yeah.

Kyon: So, you don't feel any different about me?

Haruhi: Actually, I do.

They stop and kiss for a few moments.

Kyon: I think I can honestly say that I trust you.

Haruhi: You're just now figuring that out? Jeez, what a blockhead.

Kyon: So, I feel a confession coming on.

Haruhi: What? What are you hiding from me?

Kyon: Earlier today, Miss Asahina kind of indirectly confessed to me.

Haruhi: What?

Kyon: I don't think she realized what she was saying.

Haruhi: Oh, that is it! I'm changing your position in the SOS Brigade. I can't leave you two alone together.

Kyon: (laughing) That's a fine way to reward my confession.

Haruhi: (playful) Shut up! You're not the boss of me.


	6. Sweat Pants

Sweat Pants:

- Scene 1:

Kyon awakens in his bed in the middle of the night. He gets up and trips.

Kyon: Whoa! What the-?

He turns on the light and notices Haruhi, lying asleep and naked on the floor of his room. He takes a few moments to recover.

Kyon: Oh, for heaven's sake...

He throws the blanket over her and then goes to his closet. He fishes out a sweat shirt and sweat pants.

Kyon: (shaking her) Hey! Haruhi, wake up. (shakes her again) Wake up, I said!

Haruhi slowly wakes up and gasps in shock.

Haruhi: Where the-? Why are you-? Why am I naked?

Kyon tosses the clothes at her, and looks away as she dresses.

Kyon: How the hell should I know? I just got up and found you like that.

Haruhi: I'll bet.

Kyon: You're in my house, you know.

Haruhi: Yeah, which makes you more suspicious.

Kyon: Why would I drag someone into my own house? You think I want a criminal record with something that stupid on it?

Haruhi: Criminals aren't exactly the smartest people.

Kyon: Well... I'm glad you told me, cause I would honestly have no idea. Unlike you...

Haruhi: What's that supposed to mean?

Kyon: You don't mind a little blackmail to get your way, as I recall. Not to mention breaking and entering.

Haruhi: All right, just shut up. I don't really think you abducted me. God!

Kyon: Right. So, just what the hell is going on?

Haruhi: How the hell should I know? I just woke up.

Kyon: Screw this. I'm going back to sleep.

Kyon takes the blanket from her and spreads it out on the bed.

Haruhi: Now, hold on a second-

Kyon: Turn out the light on the way out.

Haruhi: You've gotta be kidding me.

Kyon gets into his bed and pulls the blanket over himself.

Haruhi: You must be the only guy on Earth who would think of sleeping at a time like this.

Kyon: You say something?

Haruhi: Fine! I'm going!

Haruhi flings the door open and marches straight into an invisible wall.

Haruhi: Whoa! What the hell was that?

Kyon: (stirring) Huh?

Haruhi touches the invisible barrier, curiously.

Haruhi: You know, this is going to sound strange, but this seems oddly familiar.

Kyon: (sighing) Must be dreaming.

Haruhi: I could swear this actually happened to me before, but I think I would have remembered it. Things this weird don't just happen.

Kyon: (getting up) Yeah, now that you mention it, this does seem kind of familiar.

Haruhi: You find this familiar?

Kyon: Yeah. I recall this weird dream where we were stuck in the school-

Haruhi: Oh my God!

Kyon: I guess it wasn't really a dream, huh?

Haruhi: No way! (a little panicked) This has to be a dream!

Kyon: You mean what happened before or what's...

Haruhi: Tell me if-

Haruhi tugs on his cheeks.

Kyon: (slapping at her hands) Yes, that hurts. Damn.

Kyon rubs his cheeks for a moment.

Haruhi pinches her own cheek.

Kyon: Why didn't you try that to start with?

Haruhi: Why is this happening? Oh my God! Could this seriously be for real?

Kyon: Yeah, believe it. Didn't I tell you?

Haruhi: Tell me what?

Kyon: About weird stuff like this. You know, aliens and such?

Haruhi: (trembling) I just couldn't believe it. I mean, who the hell would be that stupid? You'd have to be to believe in...

Kyon: Look, we already had this conversation before. You convinced yourself it was a dream somehow, and then decided not to believe it.

Haruhi: You just said yourself it was a dream.

Kyon: You were so convinced it was a dream, I had no reason not to believe it myself.

Haruhi: Wait a minute. You kissed me!

Kyon: Yeah, so?

Haruhi: So? You-

Kyon: It was a life-or-death situation. I panicked. Don't take it personally.

Haruhi: I was...

Kyon: What?

Haruhi slaps him hard, right across the cheek.

Kyon: Ouch.

Haruhi: You bastard!

Kyon: Okay, look. I know I probably had that coming, but I had no choice.

Haruhi: I'm not upset about the kiss, you idiot!

Kyon: What?

Haruhi: I'm upset that you never told me!

Kyon: Huh?

Haruhi sits on the bed next to him.

Haruhi: (softly) You know how I felt about things like this! I wanted a miraculous experience. Something that told me I was special. Well, it happened!

Kyon: And?

Haruhi: And? (marveling) You really are an idiot. You realize that if you had just told me about the kiss, I would have believed everything you said?

Kyon: Sorry.

Haruhi: I feel like an idiot, myself. Think of all that time I wasted!

Kyon: You aren't upset at all about the kiss?

Haruhi: No, I think this weirdness now makes up for it. I just wish I knew why this was happening.

Kyon: Yeah. Well, if you find out, let me know.

Kyon gets up and tries to leave, pushing against the invisible barrier.

Haruhi: Try the window.

Kyon: Oh, good idea.

Kyon opens the window and finds the same type of barrier just outside it.

Kyon: So much for that.

Haruhi: This is a closed space, all right.

Kyon: I wonder if it's just us or if the rest of the world is like this.

Haruhi: There's a creepy thought.

Kyon: (thinking for a moment) Actually, it's probably just us. If this is like it was last time.

Haruhi: Last time...

Kyon: I recall Miss Nagato told me that we had disappeared from the world.

Haruhi: How would she know?

Kyon: That's a good question.

Haruhi: I should try to remember that.

Kyon: You want to ask her about it? I don't think she'll tell you.

Haruhi: I can't just let myself forget. Things like this-

Kyon lightly punches the wall with his fist.

Haruhi: What are you doing?

Kyon: I'm seeing if I can wake Mom or Sister.

Haruhi: That's a good idea.

Several moments go by while Kyon punches the wall, with no effect.

Haruhi: Or maybe not.

Kyon: (sighing) I hope they're okay.

Haruhi: I think we're the ones in trouble here. We've disappeared?

Kyon: Well, we're obviously still here, wherever here is.

Haruhi: I just remembered! (softly) Those big things!

Kyon: Those celestials?

Haruhi: Whatever you call them! If we got attacked by them here-

Kyon: We'd probably be dead already in this small a space.

Haruhi: Still, I don't want to risk it. I really would rather just go home, now.

Kyon: I'm not sure how we can do that.

Haruhi: Well, maybe it works the same way.

Haruhi gets up and stands next to him.

Kyon: You mean, with a kiss?

Haruhi: Yeah.

Kyon: I have a strong feeling that isn't going to work.

Haruhi: What? Why not?

Kyon: Well, I guess it is worth a shot.

Haruhi: Okay...

Kyon collects himself for a moment.

Haruhi: What's the problem?

Kyon: Give me a moment.

Haruhi pulls him to her and kisses him. After a few moments, they pull away. Kyon goes to the door and tries to leave, still blocked by the invisible barrier.

Haruhi: Oh, what the hell?

Kyon: I think this is getting kind of pointless.

Haruhi: So, we're stuck here?

Kyon: At least until Koizumi or Nagato can get us out. Or...

Haruhi: Or what?

Kyon: I wonder if this is the type that just dissolves after a while...

Haruhi: All we have to do is wait?

Kyon: I just hope I don't miss school while we wait.

Haruhi: Or die of thirst. You know, this isn't the most practical situation.

Kyon: Somehow, I doubt that'll happen.

Haruhi: Okay, why are you so sure about that? How did you know the kiss wouldn't work?

Kyon: I didn't know. I just had a hunch.

Haruhi: You had a hunch?

Kyon: It's... I ask the others, and they give me three different stories. I think I might have a basic grasp, but it's hard to explain.

Haruhi: What's hard to explain?

Kyon: Well, Koizumi is convinced that we're living in your dream. He's kind of a freak, so I don't really buy that. Nagato didn't really make it clear, but she seems to think that these spaces are something you create somehow subconsciously. Asahina doesn't tell me much, other than that you're preventing her from time-traveling somehow.

Haruhi: So, this is my fault?

Kyon: Yeah, that's the gist of it.

Haruhi: Okay.

Haruhi sits down on the bed again.

Haruhi: Let me see if I've got this straight.

Kyon: Right.

Haruhi: I find myself lying on the floor of your room. I was sleeping naked next to your bed. And that was my fault?

Kyon: I don't think you really meant for that to happen.

Haruhi: How good a look did you get?

Kyon: I don't really remember. I don't generally expect to trip over naked girls in the middle of the night.

Haruhi: This is so unfair.

Kyon: Well, it wasn't my fault.

Haruhi: Really? If I can mysteriously make myself appear in your bedroom, why weren't you the one naked?

Kyon: (sighing) Sheesh.

Haruhi: I mean, seriously. If I could just make myself appear anywhere, why not a suite in a luxury cruise liner? Why would I land in your room?

Kyon: Well, why don't you tell me?

Haruhi: Yeah, right. In your dreams, maybe.

Kyon: Let me guess. Because you're in love with me?

Haruhi: (scowling) You don't have to be like that about it.

Kyon: So, it's true?

Haruhi: Give me a break. I don't expect you to understand.

Kyon: (sincerely) Yeah.

Haruhi: I'm just a nobody. I can't make aliens or whatever just appear. This is crazy! Seriously. I don't get this at all.

Kyon folds his arms and looks at her severely.

Kyon: It is fun, though, right?

Haruhi: Well, yeah.

Haruhi gets up and touches the barrier again.

Haruhi: This kind of thing doesn't happen every night, does it?

Kyon: I don't know.

Kyon sits on the bed.

Kyon: Maybe this happens every night and we just forget about it.

Haruhi: Okay, there is absolutely no way that's true. I'm not going to just forget this, especially if I'm the one making it happen.

Kyon: You forgot about the school thing.

Haruhi: I didn't forget. I just got confused. This is a totally different situation. Here, it's really just the two of us.

Kyon lies down in the bed again, and pulls up the blanket.

Kyon: I can't think straight. I'm going to go to sleep.

Haruhi: And where am I going to sleep?

Kyon: At home, in your bed. I hope that's what happens.

Haruhi: (amused) You're a real comedian.

Kyon: You want me to sleep on the floor?

Haruhi: I mean, you think you can just ignore me.

Kyon: I'm not ignoring you, I just don't think there's anything we can do about this.

Haruhi: You think so?

Haruhi turns out the light and lies down next to him.

Kyon: Whoa!

Haruhi: What?

Kyon gets up again and turns on the light.

Haruhi: You wanted to go to sleep. So, go to sleep.

Kyon: How am I suppose to sleep with you in the same bed?

Haruhi: Figure it out.

Kyon: (sighing) All right, fine. You can sleep with me.

Haruhi: That's more like it.

Kyon turns out the light and gets back in bed. For several moments, they just lie there.

Kyon: You have to touch me?

Haruhi: Shut up. I did that accidentally.

A few more moments pass.

Haruhi: It's a small bed.

Several more moments pass.

Haruhi: ...

Haruhi gets up and starts pacing. She then does some stretching and then some simple exercises.

Kyon: What are you doing?

Haruhi: Working out. Duh.

Kyon: In the middle of the night? You know what? That's fine. Forget I asked.

Haruhi: It's hard work putting up with you.

Kyon: Sorry.

Haruhi: Most guys wouldn't hesitate to take advantage of this situation.

Kyon: Most guys don't really care what you think.

Haruhi stops working out for a moment.

Haruhi: (softly) You care what I think?

Kyon: Of course. Now, just stop being a spaz and go to sleep.

Haruhi: Okay, but the bed's too small for me to not touch you.

Kyon: It's fine. Do what you want.

Haruhi lies back in bed with him.

Kyon: You don't need to touch me there.

Haruhi: Sorry. My hands just naturally go there.

Kyon: (sighing) I hope my mother doesn't see me like this.

Haruhi: She would totally get the wrong idea. That's for sure.

Kyon: I turn a lot in my sleep. Just letting you know.

Haruhi: I think most people do.

Kyon: I mean, I really toss and turn a lot.

Haruhi: Yeah. I think I do, too.

Kyon: Go to sleep.

Haruhi: Okay.

A few more moments pass.

Haruhi: This is so frustrating!

Kyon: What?

Haruhi: What are you made of? Ice? Are you actually a girl who looks like a guy? What the hell are you? How can you just think of sleeping?

Kyon: Are you saying you want to make out with me?

Haruhi: Well, that would be nice for a start, but...

Kyon: That's kind of...

Haruhi: You have a problem I should know about?

Kyon: No. But think about it. This is for real. This isn't a dream. Don't do something you'll regret later.

Haruhi: I'll regret it more if I don't do something.

Kyon: Well, what do you propose to do?

Haruhi: (laughing) Good God, man!

Kyon: Okay, I do kind of see it your way. But, I'm sorry. It ain't going to happen.

Haruhi: Yeah, fine. I may be bored, but I'm not stupid.

Kyon: It's frustrating. Okay. I admit it. Just deal with it.

Haruhi: Okay.

Kyon: And go to sleep.

Several more moments pass.

Haruhi: We have hands, you know?

Kyon: ...

Haruhi: You see my point?

Kyon: Jeez. You're like a dirty old man.

Haruhi: You have no imagination.

Kyon: If I give you a kiss, will that be fine?

Haruhi: I might lose control if we do that.

Kyon: I think you'll be okay.

Haruhi: I don't see why we can't go with my idea.

Kyon: Idiot.

Haruhi: What did you say?

Kyon: You're being stupid. Think about it.

Haruhi: What's the problem?

Kyon: If we did do that, it would just cheapen the experience. Give me a break.

Haruhi: Oh God!

Kyon: You know?

Haruhi: ...

Kyon: Well?

Haruhi: Okay! Fine! Just kiss me, and I'll be satisfied.

Kyon: Okay.

Haruhi: I just need to check something.

Kyon: Whoa! What was that for?

Haruhi: Just making sure you really are a man.

Kyon: Oh, come on!

Haruhi: Yeah, yeah. I know. This isn't easy for you, either. I appreciate it.

They kiss for a few moments, then go to sleep.

- Scene 2:

Morning in Kyon's bedroom. Kyon is slowly waking as his little sister tries to drag him out of bed.

Kyon: Okay, that was a really vivid...

He sniffs the air and notices the sweat suit on the floor.

Kyon: Smells like...

- Scene 3:

Kyon goes to Haruhi's desk at class.

Kyon: You look cheerful today.

Haruhi: Yeah, I had this really vivid dream last night.

Kyon: Was I in your dream?

Haruhi: (smirking) You wish.

Kyon: (amused) Oh, come on. Don't tell me you didn't enjoy that kiss.

Haruhi: (tense and serious) I don't know what you're talking about. Just shut up, already.


	7. An imaginary conversation

An imaginary conversation:

Author: Hi, I'm the imaginary author.

Proofreader: Hi, I'm the imaginary proofreader.

Author: We gotta stop meeting like this.

Proofreader: Seriously. How many more of these do you have?

Author: I don't know. It's already way too many.

Proofreader: I guess this is the part where I poke your work and make you feel inadequate.

Author: And I give some lame excuse for not being a better writer. Yeah, I'm sure everyone knows the formula at this point.

Proofreader: Maybe now would be a good time to stop.

Author: What makes you say that?

Proofreader: Well, this completes thirteen short stories, right?

Author: Oh! Right. Lucky thirteen. You're absolutely right.

Proofreader: That didn't take long.

Author: And if anyone actually wants me to write more, I can just say, "Sorry, but I've already done thirteen."

Proofreader: I like it because I kind of feel unlucky. You know, to be a reader of all this.

Author: Just imagine how proud you'd be if you were the author.

Proofreader: Well, no sense wasting any more time. Let's get to it.

Author: All right. Let's do it.

Proofreader: Let's talk about writing style.

Author: Okay.

Proofreader: I like to take an idea and divide it into plot, movement and dialogue. Then flesh it out in revisions.

Author: That sounds more like method, but I guess you could make a style out of that.

Proofreader: Style-as-method has a nice ring to it. I also like to prioritize. Dialogue comes first, then movement, then plot.

Author: That must wreak havok on your outlines.

Proofreader: It's a good rule-of-thumb for maintaining believability. It's pretty much common practice to "depart" from your outlines, anyway.

Author: I see. This is theatrical experience.

Proofreader: A little bit. Sure.

Author: Does your theater resume include "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern"?

Proofreader: Actually, yes.

Author: Well, then I'm sure you'll recognize this. To paraphrase the player, I'm more of the blood-love-and-rhetoric school. I can give you blood and love without the rhetoric, and I can give you love and rhetoric without the blood, and I can give you all three, concurrent and consecutive. But I can't give you blood and rhetoric without the love. Love is compulsory. They're all love, you see.

Proofreader: So, your style is basically romance.

Author: That's a nice, succinct way of putting it.

Proofreader: Speaking of romance, let's talk about how you view chemistry.

Author: All right.

Proofreader: What's the chemistry between Haruhi and Kyon?

Author: You know the old AC/DC line? "You've got the thirst and I've got the booze"?

Proofreader: That's pretty simplistic.

Author: Sure, but you have to start somewhere.

Proofreader: I was hoping to differentiate, for example, between Haruhi-Kyon and Yuki-Kyon.

Author: It's pretty much the same thing. I don't really discriminate. Well, other than with the approach.

Proofreader: The approach?

Author: With Haruhi-Kyon, Kyon is the one who leads and waits in that relationship. With Yuki, it's the other way around.

Proofreader: With the way you depict Yuki.

Author: With the way Tanigawa-sensei writes Yuki, as well, up to and mostly including "Disappearance." After that, I have no idea.

Proofreader: So, Yuki leads and waits when it's Yuki-Kyon.

Author: Right. Because he has to come around to the fact that she can have emotions, but there are several layers of her psyche he has to dig through to find them. With Haruhi, he's mostly just waiting for her to have a respectable attitude. He isn't currently convinced that it's possible, though, and he has to be disabused of a few notions he has of her, himself.

Proofreader: I think the Kyon you depict has a few attitude problems.

Author: Sure. Because that's the Kyon that was created by the original author. Kyon is a little self-centered, bitter, jaded, and has a tendency to overthink things at times.

Proofreader: You seem to be hinting that it's due to his family history. You also do this with Haruhi.

Author: Yeah. Well, every consequence was born from some action. I'm just surmising. This is all anyone can do without being explicitly told in a story. It seems to be an unwritten rule of the Haruhi series that you avoid talking about families as much as humanly possible. If you get into a 'shipper, however, there's just no avoiding it.

Proofreader: Let's talk about the stories, here.

Author: Okay.

Proofreader: I notice you start out with that variation on the gambit theme.

Author: Yeah.

Proofreader: Seems kind of incomplete.

Author: Yeah, I was going to write out the whole movie, but it's just a bunch of slap-stick and gag humor. That stuff is pure hell for a writer.

Proofreader: The comedy gods frown on your shenanigans.

Author: Who?

Proofreader: You know? The old cartoon writers from the 1940s and 1950s.

Author: (laughing) Oh, right. Guys like Fritz Freleng and Chuck Jones.

Proofreader: Yeah.

Author: Yeah, I think their work is so high above my work, you'd need a telescope to compare them.

Proofreader: Of course, they may have accidentally started the furry craze.

Author: (laughing) Angry comedy gods who wreaked their perverse vengeance in a terrible and mysterious way.

Proofreader: Their revenge on the world for making them write such hard comedy?

Author: Maybe. There was a lot to be angry about back then.

Proofreader: Speaking of mysterious things, I'm wondering about "Yuki's Pockets".

Author: Something the matter with it?

Proofreader: Yeah, I'm wondering why exactly Mikuru hands a wad of bills to Kyon.

Author: Sheesh. You really have a knack for pointing out things I'm trying to keep discreetly hidden.

Proofreader: It just struck me as odd. I thought, "Okay, why the heck did she just do that?"

Author: You remember what I said about Kyon's childhood?

Proofreader: Yeah. So?

Author: Well, let's just say that was a Freudian slip on Kyon's part.

Proofreader: All right. Enough said.

Author: Moving right along...

Proofreader: Kyon is kind of a two-timing bastard, isn't he?

Author: The funny thing is that he does it without even realizing.

Proofreader: I think the joke would have been better had you included Mikuru in that.

Author: Yeah, I was just going for the quick and dirty punchline.

Proofreader: That punchline kind of fades out without much of a bang, too.

Author: I think I was more focused on the start than the end.

Proofreader: That "Gemini" story literally makes him into a two-timing bastard.

Author: Yeah, sort of.

Proofreader: I'm not sure I'm comfortable leaving John and Yuki together in that scene where Yuki is weak.

Author: You're worried about Yuki?

Proofreader: Maybe the scene before that was too powerful.

Author: I probably should have made it clearer that John was not going to be threatening.

Proofreader: That's not really what worries me.

Author: Yeah, I kind of get what you're saying, but Yuki really brought it on herself.

Proofreader: ...

Author: It only gets worse from here on.

Proofreader: The sequel. To a story that criticized sequels, I might add.

Author: There were a number of unanswered questions that I thought could stand to be answered.

Proofreader: That scene takes a turn for the surreal.

Author: "That" scene, yeah.

Proofreader: I understand it's Haruhi's diary, but it seems a little over-the-top.

Author: I was worried about downplaying the scene. I got really worked up before I wrote it.

Proofreader: Worked up?

Author: You know how if you're an actor and you've got to do a touching farewell scene...

Proofreader: I've never actually done that, but I've heard about it.

Author: The point is, it's really unpleasant. So, you can understand if the writing comes out a little...

Proofreader: Overdone?

Author: I think "strained" is the word I prefer, but that works too.

Proofreader: I may have strained my brain proofreading it.

Author: Very funny.

Proofreader: About "Sweat Pants"...

Author: Yeah?

Proofreader: I love that story. Both the title and the actual story itself. But, wow...

Author: The part where she says "we have hands"?

Proofreader: Yeah. I thought, "Okay, this story has really pushed the limit."

Author: I'm kind of surprised you left that in.

Proofreader: How could I take it out? I love that kind of thing.

Author: I should have known you would.

Proofreader: But I especially love that she denies it later.

Author: It would hardly be Haruhi if she didn't.

Proofreader: I'm a little hesitant to ask what happened after Kyon fell asleep.

Author: Well, it doesn't matter. The story is always from Kyon's point of view, remember? So, whatever happened doesn't really exist.

Proofreader: That's a nice way to side-step the issue.

Author: And, that about does it.

Proofreader: That's all, folks.


End file.
